Recently, I have been observing people's behavior more and more. I have watched some of my friends go through really difficult situations and others achieve such amazing blessing that it seems almost overwhelming. I have gone through things myself and watched how people tried to help me or handle things. Sadly, I have found a few things that I'd like to vent about...things that aggravate me because of the level of disrespect that they seem to show.
(1) Jealousy: Jealousy seems to be the blame of a number of situations. It seems to be the word that most people use as any excuse for why people act like jerks to each other. An example was a situation I had several months ago with some women that repeatedly referred to me as "preppy cheer mom" because I smiled alot. Though I found it to be funny, it was also agitating that someone would take time out of their day to say something catty to me because I smiled. I was told that the women were "jealous" because of the remarks that they said (more than just the one.) What I believe to be true is that they were not jealous at all. Jealousy indicates resentment because of another's success, rivalry, or advantages. If I were a Swedish supermodel, maybe that would be the case, but I don't believe that they were jealous. I think that this particular case (and many more) have more to do with insecurity than jealousy. I think that some people have a tendency to just spout off ugliness to bring people down so they can feel better about themselves and that it has more to do with their insecurity than actual jealousy.
(2) Deserving what you get: I have a really difficult time with this particular statement, even having a hard time saying it. Perhaps it's the level of empathy that God put in my heart but watching someone lose everything that they have or have their marriage fall apart (or anything else) isn't any easier to watch because they brought on their issues themselves. Yes, I do believe that you reap what you sow..call it karma or Godsmack or whatever. Yes, I do believe that your choices determine your outcome most of the time. With that said, no one really deserves to suffer. We are all equal in God's eyes no matter what sins you've committed. Period. Compassion in one of the greatest gifts that God gave us and saying that someone "deserves what they get" quite often takes that gift away.
(3) Apologies and lack thereof: I honestly believe that apologies are one of the building blocks of any good relationship (friendship, family, love, etc). People are going to let you down and they're going to make mistakes. The biggest difference in my relationships in life was the ability of people to admit when they were wrong and apologize for it. Conversely, it is also important how someone reacts to you when you apologize. If you apologize to someone and they react with a guilt trip, it's often times not as appealing to be around them as someone who accepts your apology and moves on. Apologies don't indicate that you are expecting someone to forget your mistake...just to forgive it. Apologies, like pictures, are worth a thousand words.
(4) Different vs wrong: Just because someone's outlook on life, discipline, etc is different than yours doesn't make it wrong. I see this reflected in parenting all too often. (i.e. "My child will NEVER throw a tantrum like that") The fact is that God created us differently so that we would react to things differently. Variety is the spice of life and people handle things differently, especially when it comes to parenting. Different kids need different disciplinary tactics sometimes...some throw more tantrums, some are more weepy, and some are more smart mouth. There are tactics to deal with them (and other people). Just because your treatment might be different doesn't make THEIRS wrong.
(5) I-Know-What's-Best Syndrome: I have found that many people are infected with I-Know-What's-Best Syndrome. They ALWAYS think that they know the solution to any problem. They ALWAYS think that they can fix their friends, family, etc. No one knows what's best all the time. Period.
(6) Reaction vs Reflection: I constantly say to my kids that they don't have to react to what their siblings do. They are frequently told to "ignore it." Sometimes, as an adult, it's difficult not to react when someone calls you a bad name, criticizes you, or just acts ugly toward you. I am just as guilty as the next person of sounding off. However, it is more productive to reflect on their behavior and why they might be doing it than to react to it. In the moment, reacting feels good sometimes but later, it often results in regret. (At least on my part).
(7)Life's About Choices: This is the last point, but certainly not the least. Life's about choices and, while people are always saying this, often times others are going to be judgmental about yours. You can't make everyone happy and it would exhaust you to try. Do what's right for you and your kids and just accept that people will sound off and it doesn't really matter.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
A series of uncontrollable events.....
Sometimes chaos just rules. There are a million ways to phrase it: trials, troubles, drama...the list goes on and on. There are going to be times in life when you just have to wait for a difficult storm to pass. Perhaps it's a death in the family, an illness, troubles with your kids, loss of a job, or a separation/divorce. It doesn't really matter what or how big the problem seems to anyone else, it is a difficult season for you and moving forward seems like it's not even possible.
There are a number of ways that you can handle a situation like this and I would be lying if I said that I'd figured it all out. I don't know if I could figure everything about things like this out if I lived to be 100. Here is what I have learned though.....
*The chaos is going to happen. There is no one that gets to avoid it. There is no amount of luck or blessing that will make anyone avoid it. There are going to be trials and they're going to be hard...no matter what your reaction.
*No one else will be able to identify with your feelings completely. Even if the problem is similar (i.e. loss of a parent, etc), no one's situation will be exactly the same and, more than that, everyone is different emotionally. So even if that friend has lost a parent too, it doesn't mean that they will be able to identify fully. It doesn't make their efforts to help any less wonderful or heartfelt.
*It's going to hurt. Any trials in your life are going to hurt on some level or another. A loss is a loss whether it's losing a thing, a person, or anything else. It's okay to feel those feelings and allow yourself to grieve.
*Everyone grieves differently. This is probably one of the most important things that I've learned. I have noticed that people seem to have this idea, based on their own feelings, of how someone grieves a loss and if the person grieves differently, they are judged for that. Some people grieve openly and weep in the presence of anyone around. Some people grieve behind closed doors. Some people get angry and some shut down. Some sleep and some keep themselves busy. More than that, everyone's grieving timing is different. For some, it takes months and months (and sometimes longer) and for others, it seems to happen overnight. God created us differently and we grieve differently.
*Denial helps nothing at all. The more you deny, the more it will hurt in the end.
*There will always be SOMEONE who thinks that they know how to "fix you." They are just trying to help and, unless they get overwhelming, they are usually best taken with a grain of salt. When you're not in the midst of the drama, you WILL be able to see where they're coming from.
*There is nothing wrong with just allowing yourself to take cover in the face of the storm but it won't make it pass any more quickly. Often times the best solution is to put on your rain gear and just go do what you have to do.
*Prayer is the only thing that can get you through ANYTHING. Even if the answer to your prayer is "wait", there is a level of confidence that comes in knowing that God has control over your situation.
There are a number of ways that you can handle a situation like this and I would be lying if I said that I'd figured it all out. I don't know if I could figure everything about things like this out if I lived to be 100. Here is what I have learned though.....
*The chaos is going to happen. There is no one that gets to avoid it. There is no amount of luck or blessing that will make anyone avoid it. There are going to be trials and they're going to be hard...no matter what your reaction.
*No one else will be able to identify with your feelings completely. Even if the problem is similar (i.e. loss of a parent, etc), no one's situation will be exactly the same and, more than that, everyone is different emotionally. So even if that friend has lost a parent too, it doesn't mean that they will be able to identify fully. It doesn't make their efforts to help any less wonderful or heartfelt.
*It's going to hurt. Any trials in your life are going to hurt on some level or another. A loss is a loss whether it's losing a thing, a person, or anything else. It's okay to feel those feelings and allow yourself to grieve.
*Everyone grieves differently. This is probably one of the most important things that I've learned. I have noticed that people seem to have this idea, based on their own feelings, of how someone grieves a loss and if the person grieves differently, they are judged for that. Some people grieve openly and weep in the presence of anyone around. Some people grieve behind closed doors. Some people get angry and some shut down. Some sleep and some keep themselves busy. More than that, everyone's grieving timing is different. For some, it takes months and months (and sometimes longer) and for others, it seems to happen overnight. God created us differently and we grieve differently.
*Denial helps nothing at all. The more you deny, the more it will hurt in the end.
*There will always be SOMEONE who thinks that they know how to "fix you." They are just trying to help and, unless they get overwhelming, they are usually best taken with a grain of salt. When you're not in the midst of the drama, you WILL be able to see where they're coming from.
*There is nothing wrong with just allowing yourself to take cover in the face of the storm but it won't make it pass any more quickly. Often times the best solution is to put on your rain gear and just go do what you have to do.
*Prayer is the only thing that can get you through ANYTHING. Even if the answer to your prayer is "wait", there is a level of confidence that comes in knowing that God has control over your situation.
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