Mornings...and other stuff

For years and years, I was a morning person. I loved getting up in the mornings and woke up in an outstanding mood almost every day just as a part of who I was. Even in my teenage years, I would prefer to wake up early than to sleep in until noon. It was a beautiful thing. After having children, and as I age, I have drifted from liking to get up early and I can't function without being cranky in the morning unless I've had some coffee. My life has evolved and my habits have changed.
Now I am a firm believer in the fact that people, at their essential core, do not change. They are who they are and when they try to fight it, disaster usually follows. Some people are just born grouchy and critical. They can learn to hold their tongues but if they try to change who are by forcing themselves to be happy all the time, it ends up catching up with them. Some people are born bubbly and hyper. They can learn to calm down but essentially forcing themselves to be mellow when they're not ends up catching up with them. People can change their habits but they cannot change who they are at their essential core.
Unfortunately, the general public's obsession with celebrities has everyone trying to fit into the same mold. Everyone wants to wear what they wear, eat what they eat, and even have the same baby items when they have kids. I know women that will throw out half of their wardrobe on an annual basis because they want to be "in style." They spend a fortune buying the clothes that the celebrities wear or the clothes that are in magazines because they want to blend in. People cut their hair like celebrities, wear the same beauty products, and shape their opinions based on what celebrities say. And this works for some people.....
Over the years, I have tried a little of this and a little of that to find out who I am. I have delved deeply into books, especially self-help which is my unfortunate obsession. I have spent time learning who I am and really making decisions on what I like free of what someone else likes, what a celebrity does, or what is "expected of me." It's a constant process, as it should be for everyone, but it is only after I discovered the core essentials of who I am that I really truly became comfortable and happy with myself. That's not to say that I don't have things that I dislike, physical or otherwise, about myself. What I am saying is that there are far too many people walking around in this life unhappy with who they are because they haven't really decided who they are or what they want.
The brutal truth of the matter is this: people are who they are. Everyone was created completely unique. There are women that are strong and independent that have been labeled "bitches" and they're happy with that...it works for them. That's awesome. There are women that are more comfortable being meek and mild and they're happy with that....it works for them. That's awesome. There are are those that are funny by their very nature, those that are extraordinarily intelligent, and some (God love them) that are clueless. The same could be said for men, though the terminology may be a bit different. When people are true to who they really are, they find true happiness in all that is around them. They learn not to rely on the opinions of others to make themselves feel worthwhile. They understand that other people's criticism isn't always about jealousy and it shouldn't shape who they are.
I think that a number of things affect who we are..... when we were born (Zodiac...and no I don't live my life by my horoscope though I think they're fun to read), birth order, environmental factors (family, etc), life experiences, and so on and so forth. I think that, essentially, people are born a certain way and it is their responsibility to discover who they are and what they like on their own instead of relying on other people for it. So here is essentially who I am......
I am generally a happy person, I just am. It's irritating to some people and endearing to others but I am generally happy.
I get angry, vent and then I'm done. In general (though there have been exceptions), I get upset, say what's on my mind, and then I'm over it. It doesn't mean I've forgotten what's happened OR that I don't care about things. I just don't see any reason to hold on to the anger.
I am uber-organized. I like things in their place and clutter makes me feel chaotic. If I had my way, my entire house would probably be labeled and in bins.
I am a list-maker. This is sort of an extension of being organized. I have lists to keep track of my lists. I never pack for a vacation unless I've made a list first.
I am thrifty...or cheap if that's what you want to call it. I have to REALLY want something badly to buy it on the spot full price. I much prefer sale (or better yet CLEARANCE) and using coupons or reward points to purchase things.
I love to shop for other people. I am especially a sucker for my nieces and nephews. I would much rather buy a cute new dress for my niece than a new shirt for myself.
I speak my mind. I have a general policy that you can say anything to me if you say it with love, nicely. If there is underlying criticism, I usually see it on the spot and I might even call you on it but I believe that there is a nice, tactful way to say most anything.
I have an opinion and it's usually well-researched. If I've learned anything over the years, it's not to take someone else's word on things. If I want to know about something, I read about it from all different viewpoints and make my decision on whatever it is. If I can't read about it, I try to talk to people and find out their viewpoints.
I am critical...and by this, I don't mean that I am looking for a way to pick at you. I mean that I am constantly on a fact-finding mission. I am fascinated by psychology and why people think/do the things that they do.
I am a giant geek at heart. I love to learn and expand my knowledge base. I would sooner read non-fiction most any day (witha few exceptions) than anything else. I get excited about learning.
I am a HUGE Twilight series fans....more so of the books than the movies. Enough said.
Although I have a few set people that I admire whose opinions I take seriously, I generally take people's criticism with a grain of salt. I don't believe that it's about jealousy because there's nothing to be jealous of. I believe that it is their opinion and they are entitled to it.
I am usually looking at the bigger picture and analyzing every angle in nearly all things. I want to plan things out as best as possible to achieve the best possible goal.
I am a planner. I plan everything and it makes me nervous when people fly by the seat of their pants.
Though I adore the close friends that I have, I don't feel like I need to have a billion friends to make myself happy. My friends are like family to me and I am fiercely protective of their well-being.
I am TERRIFIED of needles. I donated blood, thinking that it would help me overcome the fear but no such luck. I get light-headed at the mere mention of a needle and I can't watch them penetrate people's skin without feeling nauseous.
I am a firm believer that prevention is better (and easier) than treating a problem. I am very conscious of my weight and bmi because of this. I want to prevent getting overweight instead of having to treat it later. I'm not obsessive and I'll eat a greasy slice of pizza without a second though....but I'm conscious of it.
I talk a good portion of my waking hours. I talk on the phone when necessary but I much prefer to email/message/text it or to say it in person.
I make an effort to accept people where they're at even if I don't agree with their decisions. There are some people in life who constantly make dumb decisions but that doesn't mean that they're dumb. I don't have to agree with someone's lifestyle in order to be happy that THEY'RE happy.
I love babies but with my kids aged 4 and above now, I don't want any more babies. I am perfectly happy to change a diaper, babysit, rock someone else's crying baby, or even help a friend through a sleepless night with a new baby BUT I'm always glad to send them back home.
I love the arts....dance, music, and art itself. I am a giant sucker for any movie based on dance or going to see recitals, musicals, or anything like it. I love nearly all types of music and I believe that there is a type of music for any mood...and exercise that idea daily by choosing the music Iisten to based on my mood.
I love nearly all things Disney. I love Disney movies and some of my best memories growing up were spent at Disney World. I don't mind the crowds and chaos of the parks because I honestly believe there's something magical about being there.
I wear a ponytail nearly all the time....out of comfort and hate for hair hanging in my eyes.
I hardly ever make it in and out of any major store without browsing through sections where I don't actually need anything. I love to window shop...period.
I have a great passion for photography and at any given moment, I usually have a camera available to capture memories....I also scrapbook for that reason.
I could go on and on.....these are just general facts but it's a stepping off point to explore who I am on a daily basis and learn more about who I am and who I want to be.

Stepping out of the boat

Life has been a roller coaster lately, to say the least and about half of the time I have felt like I'm going out of my mind just trying to keep up with my emotions. I have cried until I had no more tears. I have talked it out and prayed without ceasing. The simple fact of the matter is this....
This season of cleaning the trash out of my life has brought me to a crossroads and having my personality type makes this scary. I want to rationalize both roads and make pro and con lists. I want to figure everything out. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle without all the pieces. I start to doubt what I clearly hear God telling me to do because I am not seeing immediate results. I start to falter in my own mind and that makes things even harder.
Realistically, I know the outcome that is ahead of me. I know what road I am supposed to take but I am frozen in my tracks praying for God just to give me the strength to move my feet forward. I am scared. Period.
I opened my Bible this morning just searching for answers and came to the story of Peter stepping out of the boat and walking to Jesus. When he stepped out of the boat, he had perfect faith knowing that Jesus was going to keep him safe and sound. This is where I was the second that God provided me the answer to what I'm facing. The problem is that Peter started looking around at the waves and got scared...and then he started to sink. That is what I'm doing right now...I'm scared to death and I'm looking at the waves around me saying, "This just isn't possible. I can't do this." I'm starting to sink.
At the end of that story, Jesus grabs his hand and tells him that if he had kept his faith, he would have been fine (basically). Jesus rescues him from the storm. Logically I know this is what God promises and what will happen but that doesn't stop the fear from taking over.
So for now I will continue to pray without ceasing for God to just help me to keep my eyes on Jesus...to move my feet forward no matter how scary and to walk me through this storm safe and sound.