A long time ago, a pastor's wife told me that I was too concerned about other people's reactions to things. She told me that I can only be responsible for my efforts and my actions; not for other people's reactions. It was some of the best advice I've ever received.
Through years of issues with family, friends, and all that comes with being human, I have nearly always been concerned with other people's reactions. If I bought what I considered to be the perfect gift for someone and they merely shoved it aside, it broke my heart. If I put alot of time and effort into writing someone a thoughtful note and they didn't care much, it broke my heart. I was so concerned with that reaction that it was killing me emotionally. I didn't want to hear the words, mind you; I wanted for them to share in that excitement that I felt in doing something good for them.
After that mentor told me those words, I had to re-think my approach to things. I started focusing alot of my attention on making sure to not expect any reaction when I gave a gift or did something for someone. It was definitely hard, at first, but it got easier and it was a very pleasant surprise when I did encounter someone who was extra excited. In doing so, though, I also had to focus my attention on my own reaction to doing something. I learned, very quickly, that God allows US to feel that excitement when we do something nice for others because it is the only reaction we need: a sign that God is pleased with our behavior. It definitely helped me through the process.
I also found myself being more thoughtful of the trials in my life. If I lost someone that I loved, I had to thank God for the time we had together, grateful for that time and knowing that God would not allow such a change if it wasn't best for me. If I felt lonely, I had to thank God for giving me that time alone and asking Him what it is that I should be focusing on. In doing so, I am beginning to shift the pessimism that has been haunting me for years now into optimism. I am learning to appreciate things differently and, in some cases, more than ever before. It is difficult and it's a road with alot of stumbling blocks but I'm working on it little by little and I thank God for that opportunity.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Its Fundamental Purpose
While at church on Sunday, I heard a great phrase that spoke to my heart. Our pastor, speaking about sharing the gospel of Christ with others, said that "a light, by its very nature, wants to shine and when you cover the light, it is not serving its fundamental purpose." Being the geek that I am (and proud of it, frankly), I looked up the word "fundamental" in the dictionary when I got home. The first meaning says "serving as, or being an essential part of, a foundation or basis." This, to me, was mind-boggling. We, as Christians, are called to share the gospel of Christ but it is not just something we're asked to do.....it's it an essential part of our make up. It is the foundation of our Christian DNA.
The sermon spoke alot on how we should share what we've learned about Christ. The great thing about it is that it's NOT a "you must be an expert" kind of sharing. Knowing about Christ and sharing about His great gift to us is a "learn as you go" experience. God will provide the words to you in the time that you need them. God will provide every answer that you need when you're sharing His word. The best thing of all, though, is that God provides us with the ultimate resource to look to when we're uncertain about an answer....The Bible. He provided us a book (with many translations) and thousands of wonderful books written by amazing Christian authors to guide us through his word. He provides us answers to our big decisions, our crises, and so on and so forth.
I take this a step further, though, and say that we should practice this same thought process as Americans. Our nation was founded on the principles described in the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. Our history textbooks (and the like) have been tainted by those that don't want us to know about the "bad events" in our history because they want to convince us that the government can (and always has) resolved all of our issues. I do think that the government plays its part but I also think that our nation was founded by people who understood real freedom. They understood that "We the People" should have the final word on decisions instead of "We the Government." We elect our officials who are making choices, good and bad, to govern our state and our country but the fact is that we have a voice. I would be defeating my fundamental purpose as an American if I didn't say to read up on history, real history. Read about the mistakes our country (and other countries) have made in the past. We are a nation based on freedom and more of our freedoms slip away daily. Let your voice be heard.
I would ultimately say that I am starting to understand my fundamental purpose a little more every day. I am trying to read and learn from my Bible, real history research, and so on and so forth. I am thankful for every single lesson God has taught me and for the men and women that have worked so hard to make our country great. We can be great again and our nation can be great.
The sermon spoke alot on how we should share what we've learned about Christ. The great thing about it is that it's NOT a "you must be an expert" kind of sharing. Knowing about Christ and sharing about His great gift to us is a "learn as you go" experience. God will provide the words to you in the time that you need them. God will provide every answer that you need when you're sharing His word. The best thing of all, though, is that God provides us with the ultimate resource to look to when we're uncertain about an answer....The Bible. He provided us a book (with many translations) and thousands of wonderful books written by amazing Christian authors to guide us through his word. He provides us answers to our big decisions, our crises, and so on and so forth.
I take this a step further, though, and say that we should practice this same thought process as Americans. Our nation was founded on the principles described in the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. Our history textbooks (and the like) have been tainted by those that don't want us to know about the "bad events" in our history because they want to convince us that the government can (and always has) resolved all of our issues. I do think that the government plays its part but I also think that our nation was founded by people who understood real freedom. They understood that "We the People" should have the final word on decisions instead of "We the Government." We elect our officials who are making choices, good and bad, to govern our state and our country but the fact is that we have a voice. I would be defeating my fundamental purpose as an American if I didn't say to read up on history, real history. Read about the mistakes our country (and other countries) have made in the past. We are a nation based on freedom and more of our freedoms slip away daily. Let your voice be heard.
I would ultimately say that I am starting to understand my fundamental purpose a little more every day. I am trying to read and learn from my Bible, real history research, and so on and so forth. I am thankful for every single lesson God has taught me and for the men and women that have worked so hard to make our country great. We can be great again and our nation can be great.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Silence is NOT always golden
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." -Martin Luther King, Jr.
There is more absolute truth in this sentence than nearly any other sentence (outside of the Bible itself) that I have ever read. I often repeat the statement "Knowledge is power." I honestly believe that when you learn as much as you can about something, it not only gives you a passion for it (which gives you the ability to defend your opinion) but it also gives you knowledge to make the right choice. That knowledge gives you power to speak the truth to others and to share what you know. Whether or not someone chooses to listen is purely their decision and their right to decide upon, but sharing the knowledge that you've acquired and hearing other people's point of views on a topic gives you even more knowledge and, thus, the power that goes along with it. I think that listening to a variety of people's opinions and forming your own opinion by reading and researching gives you a beautiful form of knowledge and empowers you.
With that being said, that knowledge does you no good unless you stand up for what you believe in. I have made the mistake too many times in my past of not standing in the gap for those that I love. I have stood by and watched people step on those I love out of fear but God has truly transformed my heart and given me strength. Silence is not golden when it involves hurting someone that you love by not standing in the gap for them when they are weak.
In closing today, I want to say the following....I believe that the "fundamental transformation of America" that our current President speaks of is a scary transition that we should all be cautious of. I, personally, want no place in Socialism or the Progressive movement and the direction this nation is going steers closer to these things daily. Educate yourself on the Progressive movement. Don't let your representatives and senators speak for you...you have a voice, use it. Stand up for what you believe in. Educate yourself on what is going on in this nation so history doesn't repeat itself. One voice in a million doesn't make a loud noise but when we, as Americans, stand together, we bridge the gap and we can take back our nation from the big government.
There is more absolute truth in this sentence than nearly any other sentence (outside of the Bible itself) that I have ever read. I often repeat the statement "Knowledge is power." I honestly believe that when you learn as much as you can about something, it not only gives you a passion for it (which gives you the ability to defend your opinion) but it also gives you knowledge to make the right choice. That knowledge gives you power to speak the truth to others and to share what you know. Whether or not someone chooses to listen is purely their decision and their right to decide upon, but sharing the knowledge that you've acquired and hearing other people's point of views on a topic gives you even more knowledge and, thus, the power that goes along with it. I think that listening to a variety of people's opinions and forming your own opinion by reading and researching gives you a beautiful form of knowledge and empowers you.
With that being said, that knowledge does you no good unless you stand up for what you believe in. I have made the mistake too many times in my past of not standing in the gap for those that I love. I have stood by and watched people step on those I love out of fear but God has truly transformed my heart and given me strength. Silence is not golden when it involves hurting someone that you love by not standing in the gap for them when they are weak.
In closing today, I want to say the following....I believe that the "fundamental transformation of America" that our current President speaks of is a scary transition that we should all be cautious of. I, personally, want no place in Socialism or the Progressive movement and the direction this nation is going steers closer to these things daily. Educate yourself on the Progressive movement. Don't let your representatives and senators speak for you...you have a voice, use it. Stand up for what you believe in. Educate yourself on what is going on in this nation so history doesn't repeat itself. One voice in a million doesn't make a loud noise but when we, as Americans, stand together, we bridge the gap and we can take back our nation from the big government.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Little Things
It is forever entertaining me how some of the smallest things earn the phrase, "Wow! Cool!" from my kids. I have heard, "You're the best mom in the whole world!" for what I consider to the be the tiniest of accomplishments. Most recently, I heard that phrase for buying a shaker of cinnamon/sugar (which, by the way, was so I could reuse the shaker with my own cinnamon sugar) that looked like a giraffe. Sounds of amazement made their way into my bedroom where I was folding clothes as the kids shook the cinnamon sugar on from the yellow spotted shaker and then I heard it: "You're the best mom in the whole world. Thank you, Mommy." I smiled to myself and continued folding. Then it hit me....
Newton's law: "To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." That means that if they can get excited over something small, they can also be devastated in the same manner. My heart was humbled to think of times, especially in my early years of marriage, when I would tell the children that I was busy at that moment. Sometimes, it was something small such as showing me, in detail, a picture they'd drawn. Sometimes, it was telling me a story that they'd made up. It could have been anything but, at that moment, I was too busy to hear or see it. I think that everyone does it once in awhile and I'm just as guilty as the next person, for sure.
It came to mind how devastated I am when I'm trying to tell a loved one about something I'm passionate about and they ignore me. One of the phrases that I utter most to my beloved husband is, "I don't like being ignored." (To be fair, I talk alot so he must implement selective hearing.) The fact is that NO ONE likes feeling like they're being overlooked, ignored, or pushed aside. No one likes to hear, "Not right now...I'm busy." No one. The fact is that children don't have an adult understanding of situations...they don't understand that "I'm busy right now" doesn't mean, "I don't care." In fact, a large portion of children (and adults, for that matter) take "Not now, I'm busy" to mean "I don't care." Really think about it and you might just agree.
That being said, I am a problem-solver by nature. What is it that I could do or say to fix this problem in my own life and in my own household....
(1) Unless I am doing something that is absolutely dire, take the time to look/listen to what they're saying/doing. The fact is that they're only small for so long and I want to drink in the moments that they actually want to talk to me and show me things before they age into teenagers and eventually adults. Most of the time, I can stop scrubbing a floor or stirring dinner for a minute to look at their picture.
(2) Try to eliminate the phrase "Not right now, I'm busy." In its place (when I'm UNABLE, not unwilling, to look/listen), give an appropriate time span I will be able to look/listen. For example, if I am really in the middle of something that can't wait, I can say, "I am right in the middle of this BUT if you let me finish this one thing, you can tell me about the picture. Give me five minutes." I learned the lesson, though, that I'd better stick to my guns on that time limit because they are watching the clock.
(3) Try to put off tasks that CAN wait until they're down for a nap or in bed and develop a routine for them to follow when I have to handle something while they're awake. For example, my kids suddenly turn into a group of crazy monkeys when Mommy's on the phone. Sometimes, a phone call is necessary during the day and I need some semblance of quiet for it. I have found, in my own household, that if I give them appropriate warning that I need quiet for a certain amount of minutes, they work with me alot more. They find it difficult to be quiet for unknown periods of time but if they know that I'll be done in about ten minutes, they can usually keep themselves contained.
(4) Set aside a time of day for "show and tell." I have actually set aside a 25 minute period of time for each of the kids (which occasionally gets shifted if things get too hectic but is there 90% of the time). During that time, they have my complete attention. They can show me artwork from school, tell me a story, or we can read books together. Unless someone else is bleeding or on fire, though, that child has my complete attention. After having this implemented for a little while, the other kids are usually good about staying quiet because they want the same thing while they have THEIR turn. My general rule is that we switch off nightly who goes first, when it's not your turn you should be picking out what you want to do quietly, and you shouldn't interrupt on someone else's turn unless it's dire. I've noticed a HUGE behavioral change in my kids during this time and with how they interact with each other. Believe me, I don't pretend to understand it; I simply observe it. I can't say that it would work for everyone but I know it's worked for my kids.
I guess what I reflect on most in this is that they're small for only so long and I want to cherish those moments with them and make them as special as possible. I know I have to discipline them, and I do take care of that, but I would like to make the good times count and give them memories that speak to the fact that "Mommy always had time for them."
Newton's law: "To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." That means that if they can get excited over something small, they can also be devastated in the same manner. My heart was humbled to think of times, especially in my early years of marriage, when I would tell the children that I was busy at that moment. Sometimes, it was something small such as showing me, in detail, a picture they'd drawn. Sometimes, it was telling me a story that they'd made up. It could have been anything but, at that moment, I was too busy to hear or see it. I think that everyone does it once in awhile and I'm just as guilty as the next person, for sure.
It came to mind how devastated I am when I'm trying to tell a loved one about something I'm passionate about and they ignore me. One of the phrases that I utter most to my beloved husband is, "I don't like being ignored." (To be fair, I talk alot so he must implement selective hearing.) The fact is that NO ONE likes feeling like they're being overlooked, ignored, or pushed aside. No one likes to hear, "Not right now...I'm busy." No one. The fact is that children don't have an adult understanding of situations...they don't understand that "I'm busy right now" doesn't mean, "I don't care." In fact, a large portion of children (and adults, for that matter) take "Not now, I'm busy" to mean "I don't care." Really think about it and you might just agree.
That being said, I am a problem-solver by nature. What is it that I could do or say to fix this problem in my own life and in my own household....
(1) Unless I am doing something that is absolutely dire, take the time to look/listen to what they're saying/doing. The fact is that they're only small for so long and I want to drink in the moments that they actually want to talk to me and show me things before they age into teenagers and eventually adults. Most of the time, I can stop scrubbing a floor or stirring dinner for a minute to look at their picture.
(2) Try to eliminate the phrase "Not right now, I'm busy." In its place (when I'm UNABLE, not unwilling, to look/listen), give an appropriate time span I will be able to look/listen. For example, if I am really in the middle of something that can't wait, I can say, "I am right in the middle of this BUT if you let me finish this one thing, you can tell me about the picture. Give me five minutes." I learned the lesson, though, that I'd better stick to my guns on that time limit because they are watching the clock.
(3) Try to put off tasks that CAN wait until they're down for a nap or in bed and develop a routine for them to follow when I have to handle something while they're awake. For example, my kids suddenly turn into a group of crazy monkeys when Mommy's on the phone. Sometimes, a phone call is necessary during the day and I need some semblance of quiet for it. I have found, in my own household, that if I give them appropriate warning that I need quiet for a certain amount of minutes, they work with me alot more. They find it difficult to be quiet for unknown periods of time but if they know that I'll be done in about ten minutes, they can usually keep themselves contained.
(4) Set aside a time of day for "show and tell." I have actually set aside a 25 minute period of time for each of the kids (which occasionally gets shifted if things get too hectic but is there 90% of the time). During that time, they have my complete attention. They can show me artwork from school, tell me a story, or we can read books together. Unless someone else is bleeding or on fire, though, that child has my complete attention. After having this implemented for a little while, the other kids are usually good about staying quiet because they want the same thing while they have THEIR turn. My general rule is that we switch off nightly who goes first, when it's not your turn you should be picking out what you want to do quietly, and you shouldn't interrupt on someone else's turn unless it's dire. I've noticed a HUGE behavioral change in my kids during this time and with how they interact with each other. Believe me, I don't pretend to understand it; I simply observe it. I can't say that it would work for everyone but I know it's worked for my kids.
I guess what I reflect on most in this is that they're small for only so long and I want to cherish those moments with them and make them as special as possible. I know I have to discipline them, and I do take care of that, but I would like to make the good times count and give them memories that speak to the fact that "Mommy always had time for them."
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Appreciation and Revenge
I have really had a couple of things on my heart very strongly lately: appreciation and revenge. They are two completely different topics and yet both apply to so many situations and can be tied together by the common threads of compassion and faith. Stay with me. Here goes....
Appreciation actually has 6 listed definitions in the dictionary and (bear with me), I'm listing all six of them: (1) gratitude; thankful recognition (2) the act of estimating the quality of things and giving them their proper value (3) clear perception and recognition (4) an increase or rise in the value or property, goods, etc (5) critical notice; evaluation; opinion, as of a situation, person, etc (6) a critique or evalution, especially when favorable. I'll bet you had no idea that there were this many definitions for appreciation. I know that I didn't. I was actually amazed at just how much there really is to appreciation when God laid this on my heart and I really started to look into it. Ironically, this clearly defines a plan of action for us to use for the act of appreciation. I can honestly say the the effort to use all six definitions will make you look at things much differently and really humble you in many circumstances.
Appreciation is gratitude (or more simply put), thankful recognition. You don't have to wait until someone actually completes a task to be thankful for their efforts. In fact, sometimes appreciation during the process is actually encouragement for them to finish the project or try again on a failed project. Appreciation should be showed for effort and not just results. Thankful recognition indicates not just a notice that someone is working on the task (aka "Oh I see you're working on the tile.") but a genuine "thank you" for the task. I can also add that making it personal makes all the difference. (aka. "Thank you for working on the tile. I really appreciate the time you're spending.")
Appreciation is also defined as "the act of estimating things and giving them their proper value. " Our country is a country where people (myself included) have a tendency to feel entitled. We tend to think that just because we live here, do this, have this, etc we are automatically entitled to things and priviliges. This mindset definitely makes truly appreciating something more difficult. The second definition pushes you to really look at the act that was done. Really look at the amount of time, effort, and resources that were used and DON'T CRITIQUE IT. Remember the first definition...thankful recognition. It means that you don't give someone a "thank you, but..." The other part of the definition is to give the act its proper value. My heart tells me that this would involve really recognizing their time, effort, and resources not only in your own heart but by adding a "I really appreciate it" after your thanks.
"Clear perception and recognition" is a short and sweet, to-the-point definition. You should truly make the effort to look at someone's act of kindness, etc through an open mind and look at their motives in a positive light. This is especially difficult with someone that you have a history with but it can be achieved with the right mindset. Sometimes, it involves actually speaking those positive qualities about the person into the light and looking at the act of kindness again to realize that you might have a negative bias. (Believe me, this is speaking from personal experience so I'm not passing judgement at all).
"An increase or rise in the value of property, goods." While this actually is referring to "things", I believe that is should apply to the way that we view someone's spirit when they try to do something nice for us. I'm not saying that we should discard those that don't do things for us, by any stretch of the imagination but true appreciation should be shown to the people that try to help us through words or deeds. It should increase their value in our life and we should let them know that as often as possible. This actually goes hand in hand with the fifth and sixth definitions, in my humble opinion.
In closing on this topic, I want to share what has come over my heart in learning about appreciation:
(1) Showing others true appreciation before ("Thank you for setting time aside to work on that"), during ("I appreciate you working on this so much. I know it's taking time out of your day and I'm so thankful."), and after ("Thank you so much for doing that task for me. It was such a relief to have it done and I'm so thankful for you putting your time, effort, and resources into it.") is a very important key to appreciation.
(2) Being specific about what details you are thankful for makes all the difference sometimes. Really looking at every aspect with an open mind of how much someone invests in doing even the smallest tasks helps with this process.
(3) True appreciation means putting aside your biases and (in some cases) your very nature to criticize or feel entitled and honoring that person with your words.
(4) Knowing that people often don't know how to express true appreciation means understanding that, although you know how to thank them, they might not be as thankful and appreciative to you. It is important to learn not to expect a "thank you" but to know that God sees your good deeds and He will reward you in the long run.
....Still with me? Okay well the common thread between my two topics is "compassion and faith." I truly believe that a heart of compassion and faith in God can lead you to help show your appreciation. I believe that truly praying for God to allow you to see someone through His eyes will blow the criticism out of your mind and heart and make room for the love that He asks us to show each other. I know He is doing that with me constantly right now and I am prayerfully accepting it with true appreciation to Him.
This commonly ties to the last topic, revenge, and what God has shown me about that very strongly. It is no secret that I have had some family issues in the past few years and it has been a long, strenous road for everyone involved. God is working His will little by little but it is certainly a lesson in patience. This lesson is affecting every area of my life and I've really had to take stock and reassess my life. I've truly had to look at my life and find the people who form my support system, the people who are somewhat neutral in my life, and the people who are doing harm. It has meant cutting ties with some people and showing more appreciation to others. But I digress....
God has shown me, in no uncertain terms, that a heart of vengeance will poison you. Ultimately, your own hatred and anger at someone else only hurts you. The other person is largely unaffected by your anger, moves of vengeance, and so on and so forth. This is easier said than done though, especially when you've been really hurt by someone you love. Ultimately, God can heal that pain if you're truly willing to let it go. He won't bend free will and He certainly won't send down His wrath upon someone who's done you wrong but He can heal your heart and take that pain away from you. You won't forget it but you will forgive it. You won't live with that pain in your life every day when it is replace by His strong, unyielding love.
He has also shown me that He sees every tear that you cry, hurts when you hurt and knows when your aching from the inside out. You can call it "karma", "what goes around comes around," or my personal favorite, a "godsmack" (not my made-up word...it's a borrowed word) but what people do comes back to them, especially when they're unrepentant. The choices that others make to intentionally wound someone's spirit or physical body do come back to haunt them and they have to face up to their choices. There is a verse that tells you, "Vengeance is mine, says the Lord." As soon as I feel the urge to act on a vengeant heart, I make a point to pray about it and really ask God to help me forgive so I don't perform an act of revenge that I will have to answer for later.
He has shown me that sometimes you feel like you're answering for something you didn't do. Sometimes, you ask yourself "What did I do to deserve this?" and the answer is, "This isn't vengeance on you for something you did. God is allowing this to happen to strengthen your faith in some area." There are periods in nearly everyone's life where they feel like they just can't get past that mountain because every time they start to make headway, they're knocked back down to the bottom. God never promised us that life would be easy and a wise man once said that "If you're not being 'attacked by the enemy', you need to take a look at your spiritual walk and make sure you're on the path. The enemy doesn't attack those that aren't a threat to him." The truth is that sometimes people are going to criticize you for something you didn't do. Sometimes people are going to act on vengeance for something they think that you did but you didn't do. In these times, you should remember that God sees that and, even more so, that God knows your heart, your motive and your actions. You should also know that sometimes this is allowed to happen to remove people from your life that are poisoning it. On some occasions, these people come around, move forward in their walk, and are welcomed back into your life because they will truly be a benefit. Other times, they are kept out of your life and (even when it's difficult) God allows this to happen to protect you.
If you have survived this long post, congratulations, you have spent a moment in my head. I am learning and growing on a daily basis and it is a daily walk. Sometimes I mess up and sometimes I run the race with flying colors but it is only with God that I have been able to walk this walk at all. It is only by His grace that I am able to look at these situations with an open heart at all. It is only by His grace that I am given the ability to share these things that might stir something up in someone else's heart or encourage them that they're not alone. I thank God daily for these lessons.
Appreciation actually has 6 listed definitions in the dictionary and (bear with me), I'm listing all six of them: (1) gratitude; thankful recognition (2) the act of estimating the quality of things and giving them their proper value (3) clear perception and recognition (4) an increase or rise in the value or property, goods, etc (5) critical notice; evaluation; opinion, as of a situation, person, etc (6) a critique or evalution, especially when favorable. I'll bet you had no idea that there were this many definitions for appreciation. I know that I didn't. I was actually amazed at just how much there really is to appreciation when God laid this on my heart and I really started to look into it. Ironically, this clearly defines a plan of action for us to use for the act of appreciation. I can honestly say the the effort to use all six definitions will make you look at things much differently and really humble you in many circumstances.
Appreciation is gratitude (or more simply put), thankful recognition. You don't have to wait until someone actually completes a task to be thankful for their efforts. In fact, sometimes appreciation during the process is actually encouragement for them to finish the project or try again on a failed project. Appreciation should be showed for effort and not just results. Thankful recognition indicates not just a notice that someone is working on the task (aka "Oh I see you're working on the tile.") but a genuine "thank you" for the task. I can also add that making it personal makes all the difference. (aka. "Thank you for working on the tile. I really appreciate the time you're spending.")
Appreciation is also defined as "the act of estimating things and giving them their proper value. " Our country is a country where people (myself included) have a tendency to feel entitled. We tend to think that just because we live here, do this, have this, etc we are automatically entitled to things and priviliges. This mindset definitely makes truly appreciating something more difficult. The second definition pushes you to really look at the act that was done. Really look at the amount of time, effort, and resources that were used and DON'T CRITIQUE IT. Remember the first definition...thankful recognition. It means that you don't give someone a "thank you, but..." The other part of the definition is to give the act its proper value. My heart tells me that this would involve really recognizing their time, effort, and resources not only in your own heart but by adding a "I really appreciate it" after your thanks.
"Clear perception and recognition" is a short and sweet, to-the-point definition. You should truly make the effort to look at someone's act of kindness, etc through an open mind and look at their motives in a positive light. This is especially difficult with someone that you have a history with but it can be achieved with the right mindset. Sometimes, it involves actually speaking those positive qualities about the person into the light and looking at the act of kindness again to realize that you might have a negative bias. (Believe me, this is speaking from personal experience so I'm not passing judgement at all).
"An increase or rise in the value of property, goods." While this actually is referring to "things", I believe that is should apply to the way that we view someone's spirit when they try to do something nice for us. I'm not saying that we should discard those that don't do things for us, by any stretch of the imagination but true appreciation should be shown to the people that try to help us through words or deeds. It should increase their value in our life and we should let them know that as often as possible. This actually goes hand in hand with the fifth and sixth definitions, in my humble opinion.
In closing on this topic, I want to share what has come over my heart in learning about appreciation:
(1) Showing others true appreciation before ("Thank you for setting time aside to work on that"), during ("I appreciate you working on this so much. I know it's taking time out of your day and I'm so thankful."), and after ("Thank you so much for doing that task for me. It was such a relief to have it done and I'm so thankful for you putting your time, effort, and resources into it.") is a very important key to appreciation.
(2) Being specific about what details you are thankful for makes all the difference sometimes. Really looking at every aspect with an open mind of how much someone invests in doing even the smallest tasks helps with this process.
(3) True appreciation means putting aside your biases and (in some cases) your very nature to criticize or feel entitled and honoring that person with your words.
(4) Knowing that people often don't know how to express true appreciation means understanding that, although you know how to thank them, they might not be as thankful and appreciative to you. It is important to learn not to expect a "thank you" but to know that God sees your good deeds and He will reward you in the long run.
....Still with me? Okay well the common thread between my two topics is "compassion and faith." I truly believe that a heart of compassion and faith in God can lead you to help show your appreciation. I believe that truly praying for God to allow you to see someone through His eyes will blow the criticism out of your mind and heart and make room for the love that He asks us to show each other. I know He is doing that with me constantly right now and I am prayerfully accepting it with true appreciation to Him.
This commonly ties to the last topic, revenge, and what God has shown me about that very strongly. It is no secret that I have had some family issues in the past few years and it has been a long, strenous road for everyone involved. God is working His will little by little but it is certainly a lesson in patience. This lesson is affecting every area of my life and I've really had to take stock and reassess my life. I've truly had to look at my life and find the people who form my support system, the people who are somewhat neutral in my life, and the people who are doing harm. It has meant cutting ties with some people and showing more appreciation to others. But I digress....
God has shown me, in no uncertain terms, that a heart of vengeance will poison you. Ultimately, your own hatred and anger at someone else only hurts you. The other person is largely unaffected by your anger, moves of vengeance, and so on and so forth. This is easier said than done though, especially when you've been really hurt by someone you love. Ultimately, God can heal that pain if you're truly willing to let it go. He won't bend free will and He certainly won't send down His wrath upon someone who's done you wrong but He can heal your heart and take that pain away from you. You won't forget it but you will forgive it. You won't live with that pain in your life every day when it is replace by His strong, unyielding love.
He has also shown me that He sees every tear that you cry, hurts when you hurt and knows when your aching from the inside out. You can call it "karma", "what goes around comes around," or my personal favorite, a "godsmack" (not my made-up word...it's a borrowed word) but what people do comes back to them, especially when they're unrepentant. The choices that others make to intentionally wound someone's spirit or physical body do come back to haunt them and they have to face up to their choices. There is a verse that tells you, "Vengeance is mine, says the Lord." As soon as I feel the urge to act on a vengeant heart, I make a point to pray about it and really ask God to help me forgive so I don't perform an act of revenge that I will have to answer for later.
He has shown me that sometimes you feel like you're answering for something you didn't do. Sometimes, you ask yourself "What did I do to deserve this?" and the answer is, "This isn't vengeance on you for something you did. God is allowing this to happen to strengthen your faith in some area." There are periods in nearly everyone's life where they feel like they just can't get past that mountain because every time they start to make headway, they're knocked back down to the bottom. God never promised us that life would be easy and a wise man once said that "If you're not being 'attacked by the enemy', you need to take a look at your spiritual walk and make sure you're on the path. The enemy doesn't attack those that aren't a threat to him." The truth is that sometimes people are going to criticize you for something you didn't do. Sometimes people are going to act on vengeance for something they think that you did but you didn't do. In these times, you should remember that God sees that and, even more so, that God knows your heart, your motive and your actions. You should also know that sometimes this is allowed to happen to remove people from your life that are poisoning it. On some occasions, these people come around, move forward in their walk, and are welcomed back into your life because they will truly be a benefit. Other times, they are kept out of your life and (even when it's difficult) God allows this to happen to protect you.
If you have survived this long post, congratulations, you have spent a moment in my head. I am learning and growing on a daily basis and it is a daily walk. Sometimes I mess up and sometimes I run the race with flying colors but it is only with God that I have been able to walk this walk at all. It is only by His grace that I am able to look at these situations with an open heart at all. It is only by His grace that I am given the ability to share these things that might stir something up in someone else's heart or encourage them that they're not alone. I thank God daily for these lessons.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Midnight Blankie washings
It's the middle of the night and I'm awake AGAIN doing a midnight blankie washing. Let me explain....
My children all went through varying stages of attachment to their blankets. My first one was a thumb-sucker and a blanket girl but never formed a major attachment to either. My second one was a thumb-sucker and a blanket boy and has a mild attachment (i.e. if he doesn't have it, he can still sleep soundly). My third was a pacifier baby for the first two years and a blanket boy and had a moderate attachment (i.e. threw a fit at bedtime if it wasn't there but could sleep okay without it). My fourth little one, though, never had a pacifier or sucked a thumb passed three months of age...she has her blankie.
In our house, Sydney's blankie is considered a being, not an object most of the time. She can be playing quite nicely without blankie and not seem to notice and, all of the sudden, blankie's presence is necessary immediately and she runs off to get it. I have witnessed this happening in the middle of a movie/t.v. show she likes, while building with blocks, and everything in between. She can function quite well out and about without it for hours at a time and yet it's a necessity in the car if we're going to be gone too close to bedtime or for an extended period...she may not even touch it in the car but just wants to know it's there. Poor blankie has had an incident with the washer and had to be trimmed down several inches. Blankie has been puked on, pooped/peed on, drooled on, and dragged through the dirt. Blankie has been sobbed for through the toddler years when it took a trip through the washer and anticipated greatly as it makes a trip through the dryer. Blankie is often called "Sydney's best friend" and anybody that knows her well, knows that blankie is just part of life for her.
On the incidence of her first bout with vomiting since infancy (by the grace of God, she has avoided the flu), she threw up all over her bedsheets, pillow, and blankie in the middle of the night. After cleaning her up and stripping the bed, I laid her on the makeshift bed on the sofa and started to train her on throwing up IN the throw-up bowl. Here's a short passage of our conversation....
Me: Do you want me to sit with you for a little while?
Sydney: No, I just want blankie
Me: Blankie's in the washer right now but you can have this Tinkerbell quilt instead
Sydney: (after recovering from a complete meltdown) Can I have blankie when it's done?
Me: Of course you can. I'll stay up until blankie's dry and then you can have it back. Do you want me to sit with you now?
Sydney: No I just want to watch cartoons and feel sickies.
I realized a few small lessons while staying up during this midnight blankie washing....
Lesson 1: The cartoons during the middle of the night are just as bad, if not worse, than what's on during the day for the most part.
Lesson 2: It is completely rational to take a load out of the washer and put it into a basket to wait for the sheets from the sick child's bed to wash just so that you can switch blankie (by itself to dry faster) into the dryer before putting the clothes from the washer into the dryer.
Lesson 3: I am TREMENDOUSLY fortunate that my children are healthy, vibrant kids. They have little health issues here and there but, overall, they are healthy, strong kids! God has truly blessed our household with tremendous health.
Lesson 4: (And I learn this lesson daily it seems) God's plan is always better than ours. If our family planning methods had worked the way they were supposed to, we wouldn't have the four healthy amazing kids that we have. In fact, we took drastic measures to prevent more children after Daniel and God's plan brought us Sydney. I can't imagine life without her, or any of the other children
Lesson 5: Everyone has their own "security blanket" that they hold onto. For myself , it's Jesus but it hasn't always been that way. I've held on to things and people and have even held on to habits like a security blanket and I didn't just have a minor attachment...mine was a red-alert-no-holds-barred attachment. The bad news is that things get broken, disappear, get lost, and have no real value in the end. People are going to disappoint you sometimes because we're all human and it's part of life. Bad habits are going to prove to you while they're called "bad" habits when it comes down to it and they're going to make your life harder for you. Jesus never fails. His love is abundant and overflowing. He doesn't break, disappear or get lost. He won't disappoint you and He's always there when you need Him. And the best part of all is that Jesus' gift of love and salvation is free to EVERYONE and isn't dependent on how pretty you are, how much money you have, who your family is, or anything else...it's unconditional and abundant love.
So while I'm yawning and pleading with the dryer to hurry up and finish drying blankie so I can go to bed, I ended up with a humbling lesson that I never expected.
My children all went through varying stages of attachment to their blankets. My first one was a thumb-sucker and a blanket girl but never formed a major attachment to either. My second one was a thumb-sucker and a blanket boy and has a mild attachment (i.e. if he doesn't have it, he can still sleep soundly). My third was a pacifier baby for the first two years and a blanket boy and had a moderate attachment (i.e. threw a fit at bedtime if it wasn't there but could sleep okay without it). My fourth little one, though, never had a pacifier or sucked a thumb passed three months of age...she has her blankie.
In our house, Sydney's blankie is considered a being, not an object most of the time. She can be playing quite nicely without blankie and not seem to notice and, all of the sudden, blankie's presence is necessary immediately and she runs off to get it. I have witnessed this happening in the middle of a movie/t.v. show she likes, while building with blocks, and everything in between. She can function quite well out and about without it for hours at a time and yet it's a necessity in the car if we're going to be gone too close to bedtime or for an extended period...she may not even touch it in the car but just wants to know it's there. Poor blankie has had an incident with the washer and had to be trimmed down several inches. Blankie has been puked on, pooped/peed on, drooled on, and dragged through the dirt. Blankie has been sobbed for through the toddler years when it took a trip through the washer and anticipated greatly as it makes a trip through the dryer. Blankie is often called "Sydney's best friend" and anybody that knows her well, knows that blankie is just part of life for her.
On the incidence of her first bout with vomiting since infancy (by the grace of God, she has avoided the flu), she threw up all over her bedsheets, pillow, and blankie in the middle of the night. After cleaning her up and stripping the bed, I laid her on the makeshift bed on the sofa and started to train her on throwing up IN the throw-up bowl. Here's a short passage of our conversation....
Me: Do you want me to sit with you for a little while?
Sydney: No, I just want blankie
Me: Blankie's in the washer right now but you can have this Tinkerbell quilt instead
Sydney: (after recovering from a complete meltdown) Can I have blankie when it's done?
Me: Of course you can. I'll stay up until blankie's dry and then you can have it back. Do you want me to sit with you now?
Sydney: No I just want to watch cartoons and feel sickies.
I realized a few small lessons while staying up during this midnight blankie washing....
Lesson 1: The cartoons during the middle of the night are just as bad, if not worse, than what's on during the day for the most part.
Lesson 2: It is completely rational to take a load out of the washer and put it into a basket to wait for the sheets from the sick child's bed to wash just so that you can switch blankie (by itself to dry faster) into the dryer before putting the clothes from the washer into the dryer.
Lesson 3: I am TREMENDOUSLY fortunate that my children are healthy, vibrant kids. They have little health issues here and there but, overall, they are healthy, strong kids! God has truly blessed our household with tremendous health.
Lesson 4: (And I learn this lesson daily it seems) God's plan is always better than ours. If our family planning methods had worked the way they were supposed to, we wouldn't have the four healthy amazing kids that we have. In fact, we took drastic measures to prevent more children after Daniel and God's plan brought us Sydney. I can't imagine life without her, or any of the other children
Lesson 5: Everyone has their own "security blanket" that they hold onto. For myself , it's Jesus but it hasn't always been that way. I've held on to things and people and have even held on to habits like a security blanket and I didn't just have a minor attachment...mine was a red-alert-no-holds-barred attachment. The bad news is that things get broken, disappear, get lost, and have no real value in the end. People are going to disappoint you sometimes because we're all human and it's part of life. Bad habits are going to prove to you while they're called "bad" habits when it comes down to it and they're going to make your life harder for you. Jesus never fails. His love is abundant and overflowing. He doesn't break, disappear or get lost. He won't disappoint you and He's always there when you need Him. And the best part of all is that Jesus' gift of love and salvation is free to EVERYONE and isn't dependent on how pretty you are, how much money you have, who your family is, or anything else...it's unconditional and abundant love.
So while I'm yawning and pleading with the dryer to hurry up and finish drying blankie so I can go to bed, I ended up with a humbling lesson that I never expected.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
They're just people...just like me
As far back as I can remember, I've struggled with self-esteem and issues surrounding it. Even when I got to the point where I felt comfortable with myself physically, I still continued with the same struggles emotionally and spiritually on where I stood. I would look at myself thinking, "I just wish I could get myself together and be who I want to be already." Impatient as ever, I would throw myself into studying my Bible, reading self-help books, and anything else I could do to make myself grow. Still, I just wouldn't feel like that was good enough.
I recently read a blog from a good friend from high school that I've had the privilege of reconnecting with. She has kids of her own and has always been on my list of people who "have it together" and "don't give themselves enough credit for how great they are." She simply was so humble that she didn't see how much she helped people, how great of a mom/wife she is, and how much she really "has it together." Ironically, her blog post was that she had been struggling with having it together and wondered if anyone felt the same way. This completely blew my mind. If I thought she had it together and she feels like she doesn't, how many more people are just like me.
Another example of this is the endless cycle of separations and divorces within my circle of friends/family/acquaintances. People that I thought were genuinely happy together and soul mates are separating and, in some cases, divorcing all around me. I'm not condemning or condoning divorce in saying this, believe me. I am just watching people that I assumed were happily married (in most cases that I'm thinking of, they were together and married longer than I have been married to Dan) quite suddenly deciding to separate and subsequently divorce. It really scared and humbled me when this started happening because I felt like if "they" can't make it after being together and married for __ years, what chance do I have? Some of the scenarios have been going on long enough that I have gotten to see some of the aftermath: civil/best case scenario divorces, great relationships with their kids post-divorce, and in some cases, remarriage. God has created blessings in the face of what I'm sure was one of the hardest situations they had to face.
I am humbled on a daily basis watching the people around me (especially those I'm closest with) struggling with issues that I can't imagine, fighting illnesses, mourning those that they love, and walking through circumstances that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Still, they push through and they seem to have things together, even in the midst of tragedy. So I came to some conclusions....
(1) There are varying degrees and definitions of "having it together." Most of the time, the people that I think have it all together are the ones that are struggling the most with it. Different people have different standards they set for themselves; therefore, my definition of "having it together" might be harder or easier than theirs.
(2) We can only control our reactions, not our circumstances. Things are going to happen, good and bad, big and small. Sometimes you have to change the way that you operate just to get through a circumstance. Sometimes you have to do something you never prepared yourself for. It's all a matter of how you react (and this doesn't include the initial freak-out for panicky people like myself; this is purely referring to how you handle it once you've calmed yourself down).
(3) You honestly have to take people's criticism/suggestions/reactions with a grain of salt. It's really difficult for some people (and I used to include myself in this group) when someone doesn't like them, disagrees with them, etc. Through a series of issues I went through with my family over the past several years, I have honestly learned to take people's opinions of me, criticisms of me, and reactions to my decisions with a grain of salt. I have to live with myself no matter where I live, who I live, or what I'm doing with my life so I need to be happy with me.
(4) And this kind of ties in with #3, we can't be concerned with other people's reactions. I am MAJORLY guilty of this one. My love language is acts of service so my big pay-off is for someone to recognize what I've tried to do and say "thanks." Don't buy me a present or schmooze me and DON'T make it a big deal...just say thanks. I'm guilty of being the person that shops until I find the "perfect" gift for someone and then expects the gasp of excitement when they open it. 99% of the time..that doesn't happen. I really struggled and developed bitter feelings about this years ago and had to pray my way through a transition. Now (though I still struggle with it sometimes), it's much easier to just accept their reaction whatever it is.
(5) I consider this to probably be the most important of these....you only see a person's life from the outside. While they may appear to have a perfect marriage, Stepford perfect children, and perfect friends, things aren't always what they seem. What seems to be a perfect marriage from the outside could be crumbling from the inside. Those perfect kids may be perfect out of fear or, more often, they may be acting perfect at the time and act like hooligans the rest of the time. Those perfect friends may treat their "friend" like crap but that's all he/she thinks that they deserve. The grass is not always greener or as my beloved Mama B says "The grass may be greener on the other side, but it still has to be mowed."
The lesson I've taken from this? Focus on what I can do to make my life more fulfilling and glorifying to God. Pray hard about what I can do to make myself better and love people where they're at, accepting their issues. Try not to worry myself about other people's opinions, issues, etc and focus on pleasing God because everything else will ultimately fall into place.
I recently read a blog from a good friend from high school that I've had the privilege of reconnecting with. She has kids of her own and has always been on my list of people who "have it together" and "don't give themselves enough credit for how great they are." She simply was so humble that she didn't see how much she helped people, how great of a mom/wife she is, and how much she really "has it together." Ironically, her blog post was that she had been struggling with having it together and wondered if anyone felt the same way. This completely blew my mind. If I thought she had it together and she feels like she doesn't, how many more people are just like me.
Another example of this is the endless cycle of separations and divorces within my circle of friends/family/acquaintances. People that I thought were genuinely happy together and soul mates are separating and, in some cases, divorcing all around me. I'm not condemning or condoning divorce in saying this, believe me. I am just watching people that I assumed were happily married (in most cases that I'm thinking of, they were together and married longer than I have been married to Dan) quite suddenly deciding to separate and subsequently divorce. It really scared and humbled me when this started happening because I felt like if "they" can't make it after being together and married for __ years, what chance do I have? Some of the scenarios have been going on long enough that I have gotten to see some of the aftermath: civil/best case scenario divorces, great relationships with their kids post-divorce, and in some cases, remarriage. God has created blessings in the face of what I'm sure was one of the hardest situations they had to face.
I am humbled on a daily basis watching the people around me (especially those I'm closest with) struggling with issues that I can't imagine, fighting illnesses, mourning those that they love, and walking through circumstances that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Still, they push through and they seem to have things together, even in the midst of tragedy. So I came to some conclusions....
(1) There are varying degrees and definitions of "having it together." Most of the time, the people that I think have it all together are the ones that are struggling the most with it. Different people have different standards they set for themselves; therefore, my definition of "having it together" might be harder or easier than theirs.
(2) We can only control our reactions, not our circumstances. Things are going to happen, good and bad, big and small. Sometimes you have to change the way that you operate just to get through a circumstance. Sometimes you have to do something you never prepared yourself for. It's all a matter of how you react (and this doesn't include the initial freak-out for panicky people like myself; this is purely referring to how you handle it once you've calmed yourself down).
(3) You honestly have to take people's criticism/suggestions/reactions with a grain of salt. It's really difficult for some people (and I used to include myself in this group) when someone doesn't like them, disagrees with them, etc. Through a series of issues I went through with my family over the past several years, I have honestly learned to take people's opinions of me, criticisms of me, and reactions to my decisions with a grain of salt. I have to live with myself no matter where I live, who I live, or what I'm doing with my life so I need to be happy with me.
(4) And this kind of ties in with #3, we can't be concerned with other people's reactions. I am MAJORLY guilty of this one. My love language is acts of service so my big pay-off is for someone to recognize what I've tried to do and say "thanks." Don't buy me a present or schmooze me and DON'T make it a big deal...just say thanks. I'm guilty of being the person that shops until I find the "perfect" gift for someone and then expects the gasp of excitement when they open it. 99% of the time..that doesn't happen. I really struggled and developed bitter feelings about this years ago and had to pray my way through a transition. Now (though I still struggle with it sometimes), it's much easier to just accept their reaction whatever it is.
(5) I consider this to probably be the most important of these....you only see a person's life from the outside. While they may appear to have a perfect marriage, Stepford perfect children, and perfect friends, things aren't always what they seem. What seems to be a perfect marriage from the outside could be crumbling from the inside. Those perfect kids may be perfect out of fear or, more often, they may be acting perfect at the time and act like hooligans the rest of the time. Those perfect friends may treat their "friend" like crap but that's all he/she thinks that they deserve. The grass is not always greener or as my beloved Mama B says "The grass may be greener on the other side, but it still has to be mowed."
The lesson I've taken from this? Focus on what I can do to make my life more fulfilling and glorifying to God. Pray hard about what I can do to make myself better and love people where they're at, accepting their issues. Try not to worry myself about other people's opinions, issues, etc and focus on pleasing God because everything else will ultimately fall into place.
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