Confusing....

Sometimes things in my life are just confusing. I know that God sees the bigger picture but often times, in the midst of dealing with all that I'm dealing with, I don't understand the reasoning nor do I understand what is going on to begin with. I find myself asking God why He asked me to be somewhere or talk to someone and then have it look like it blew up in my face or went nowhere. What I'm finding though is that if I remain steadfast in my faith in God and hope for the future, things WILL work out to my advantage...it may take time but they will.

Frustration and Faith

My prayers for awhile now have been that God will clear the crap out of my life. I have prayed for Him to remove the people and things that have been causing drama and grief...the ones that are toxic to me. I have prayed for Him to make it apparent whether the wishy-washies in the middle should be in my life or not. Basically this means that I asked for Him to sweep the things/people that COULD/WILL be beneficial to me on one side and the things/people that COULD/WILL be harmeful to me on the other side. Finally, I have asked for Him to strengthen the bonds with the people that are good for me. I don't feel like I could have done this process on my own since I don't see the full picture and I tend to want to believe the best in people, almost to a fault. God has made alot of things apparent in my life that I wouldn't have otherwise seen and, for that, I am so thankful. It has reinforced my faith, though it has been painful at times.
By the same token, I have felt great deals of frustration at this process. In particular, my frustration lies when I see three things.... (A) Someone I thought was an amazing blessing in my life who turned out to be the opposite (B) Someone who I know to be a schmuck seeming to get away with murder. (C) The people who used to be schmucks trying to fix their lives and being crapped on. I don't have it in me to be angry necessarily but I am frustrated beyond belief when I see good people being treated badly and jerky people being treated like kings/queens.
When I really dug in and allowed God to settle my heart about this, I noted the following.....
(A) God sometimes allows you to travel down a rough road so that when you get to the biggest blessings, they are even more sweet to you. This is a comfort not only for the rough patches in the path that I travel but also for me watching friends and family suffer. They are being allowed to go through this because there is something AMAZING on the other side. It will be so much sweeter when we are past the obstacles and can see this amazing blessing.
(B) To quote from a movie (Diary of a Mad Black Woman) "Sometimes we try hold onto the thing that God Himself is trying to tear apart." There are some things and people that are torn from our lives because they just aren't good for us. It doesn't mean they aren't good...just not good for us. This comforts me in my own life because there are areas where it hurts to be so out of control and watch what I'VE built crumble between my fingers. I rest in knowing that God will build something far more amazing in its place. I take great solace in this while watching my friends and family struggle as well. Sometimes things have to fall apart for them to fall together.
(C) God works in MYSTERIOUS ways. God does things that I never seem to understand at the time but later end up saying, "Oh, I get it..." Sometimes waiting is part of that.
(D) God has a FUNNY sense of humor. I say this all the time about the timing of our children's births because, at the time it seemed SO overwhelming and we never planned for them to be so close together or to have four. However, now looking back, I wouldn't change a thing!
(E) God or karma or whatever you want to call it DOES come back around. Sometimes it takes awhile but it ALWAYS comes back. People that call it karma say "What goes around comes around." People that call it God's hand say "You reap what you sow." The truth is that it's all the same thing, just different names. Sometimes you DO have to face bad things and it has NOTHING to do with karma but rest assured that your positive will toward people will come back to you times one hundred.

Is there such a thing as "no regrets?"

I heard someone say recently that they live their life with no regrets because everything that has happened to them has made them who they are. I really have thought and prayed on the subject because I do feel like I regret some choices in my life. Regret, as a verb, means "to think of with a sense of loss" or "to feel sorrow or remorse for." Regret, as a noun, means " a sense of loss, disappointment, or dissatisfaction" or "a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc" (both are from dictionary.com). The fact is that I do feel like I have things in my life that I feel sorrow and remorse for. I have feelings of remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc. Let me clarify, though....
The phrase "Everything happens for a reason" could not be more true, in my own mind. I do think that things happen for a reason and that there are seasons in people's lives. I do think that "sometimes bad things happen to good people." Don't get me wrong. I am not blind to the fact that the experiences in my life taught me lessons and that some of these experiences changed my habits. That being said, I don't think that the experiences changed the core of my being.
I am a firm believer that there are a number of factors in your life that shape who you are from the date you were born to your birth order to your name and obviously environmental factors such as family life, friends, etc. I think that the essential core of your being remains the same no matter what. Christ being in your life gives you a relationship with him and gives you a passion to be more like Him but essentially you still have to battle your bad habits one at a time (though with God's hand, it's much easier). I don't think there is much that affects your essential makeup because God created you a certain way and He doesn't make mistakes. I believe that some people are more shy than others by nature. You can change their habits but you can't change their essential make up. I believe that some people are outspoken. They can learn to shape their habits, but their desire to be outspoken will never change. I honestly don't believe that people's essential makeups change....only their habits.
So, getting back to my original question, I don't think that the experiences in my life made me who I am. I think they changed my habits...they made me appreciate certain things more, they made me more frugal, they made me more conscious of certain things, and so on and so forth. Big events let me know who my "real friends" were and how I should expect people to react in a crisis. Ultimately, though, it gave me knowledge and changed my habits, but not me. I don't believe that people have reset buttons. I don't believe that you can just flip a switch and make them something that they're not. They still have the same desires and passions...they just learn what to do with them (good or bad).
There are people that I regret hurting in my life, through words or actions. There are people that I regret felt hurt by situations that I watched. There are people that I have let corrupt my life for longer than they should have. There are people that I should have fought harder to keep in my life and there are people that I should have told to go pack sand. The fact is that I regret the way that I treated some people (good or bad) and how I let people treat me sometimes. The fact is that I regret some of my decisions and that I would change them if I could. The fact is that I do experience sorrow over some of the choices that I've made. I don't believe that there are honestly people that have no regrets. I believe that it is something that people tell themselves to make their minds feel at ease. Regrets are okay if you learn from them and God is a God of second chances. You may have a chance to remedy those regrets.

Mission Impossible

In the past month and a half, God has put some amazing things on my heart but when I look at the mountains that are ahead, I think that it is an impossible mission. I feel like this is something that will live in my dreams and never find a way to turn into actual solid matter, so to speak. In short, I am doubting my ability to have enough faith to keep praying, even when it looks like it will never happen.
Though the story of the Moses is a great one to read for encouragement, it discourages me in that I don't want to wait 40 years for the changes in my life to finally become a reality. I think of Abraham and Sarah waiting on a baby and I think, "Gosh I don't want to be old and gray." I do believe in God's perfect timing but it doesn't make it any easier to wait, even with the level of patience that I have been given by God. So what do I do in the meantime.....
(1) Pray-Pray as hard as I can as often as I can. Pray for the miracles God has put before me to happen but pray also for God to rest my mind and help me to continue to have hope.
(2) Play - Play with my kids...keep myself busy. Work out, whatever I can do to have fun and keep my mind occupied.
(3) Take it one day at a time. I allow myself time to reflect on the dreams that God has put on my heart but I remember that it is going to be His timing no matter what. My anxiety won't help and I have to focus on the day at hand.

Accepting the Inevitable

I am a big believer in God's ability to make miracles happen. In fact, I believe that He orchestrates things perfectly in our lives. With that belief, however, comes the reality that sometimes He's going to allow things to be cleansed from your life that just aren't good for you. Sometimes it's a habit. Sometimes it's a thing that is taking up too much of your time. Sometimes it's a person. People are the hardest.
As much patience as God has allowed me to learn, I have very little tolerance for losing things in my life. I have little tolerance for feeling like I've failed at my friendships and relationships with people. The fact is that sometimes letting go of someone isn't about failing; it's about being strong enough to end the friendship while there is still a friendship to end. It's about maintaining civility sometimes and remembering that God calls us to be peacemakers. Sometimes, as much as it feels like you've done something wrong, God just knows what's best in the situation. He simply asks that you accept the inevitable and move forward. He asks that you keep moving down His path and trust Him to lead you to something better than what you had before. Maybe, down the line, He'll bring that person back into your life. Maybe He won't. The fact is that your reliance is on Him, not a person, thing or habit.
Knowing all this rationally doesn't stop me from kicking and screaming every time I have to face a loss in my life. I kick and scream because I don't want to fail. I kick and scream because I'm scared of the big changes and I know that it's gonna be hard. God never promised us that life would be easy. He simply promised that if we rested in His arms, we would find peace.

How much is too much?

One of my goals for the year was to weed the people and things out of my life that cause chaos and grief. I literally disciplined myself to prayerfully look at each and every person and thing in my life, no matter how big or small my contact with them was, and to question everything and everyone. I questioned whether or not they were helpful, harmful or neutral. If they were neutral, I tried to push a step further and see if I could either make them a friend or see that it was not meant to be. If they were harmful, I respectfully but firmly ended the relationship leaving an open door if the drama ever stopped. Alot of these were relatively easy and I could see the harm overtaking the positive. Some of these relationships, however, were and continue to be extremely difficult to let go of. My question becomes this: How much is too much to allow in your life?
The Bible is hard to read on this. It says in no uncertain terms in the Bible to avoid constantly being in the company of fools. It says in no uncertain terms that you should guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life. Then, other verses point out that if your enemy strikes you on one cheek, you should turn the other and let them strike it as well. It points out that it is not the well that need the doctor but the sick. It points out that forgiveness is of the utmost importance. So how much is too much to let a person continue to hurt you?
My conclusions are relatively simple.....
*Forgiveness does not mean re-inviting that person into your life. Prayer leads the way in someone that has hurt you. Anger and un-forgiveness in your heart leads to a festering boil on your heart. It's what you have to live with. Search the motives of the person you are forgiving and then search your own. Sometimes patience and perseverance are going to be keys.
*Though you should always be seeking to share God's Word with people, there should be a stable support system in your life that is NOT made up of a bunch of idiots. There should be people there that will listen, give sound advice and support you in your decision.
*The turn the other cheek advice is only listed for your enemy and enemy is a strong word meaning "adversary." There are not many in most people's lives that are actual enemies. I believe that this refers more to overcoming what the enemy throws at you and letting them know that you have God on your side and you're NOT backing down. Instead of using anger and violence, you should use peace.
*When all else fails and you can't figure out what you should do based on differing verses in the Bible, prayer will always give you the answer. God sees the whole picture and He will provide whatever the circumstances. He is the maker of all things.
So how much is too much? It's a matter of circumstance, I think.

Are we too easy?

I've recently been a little frustrated at the me-me-me in my household as well as in society in general. My generation is known as the "Me Generation" and it is NOT something that I'm proud of at all. I was raised from the generation of baby boomers who wanted to give me more than they had and until the age of about fifteen, I was given the very best material things all of the time, no question. I was given great opportunities, went on great vacations, and so on and so forth. At fifteen, I was given a jolt when my parents divorced and we could no longer afford the best. Through a series of circumstances, I was introduced to a vastly different lifestyle where working as soon as I turned sixteen was essential and where I had to choose between this or that. This is a lesson I loathed at the time but love as a grown woman because it taught me so many lessons that I wouldn't have gotten elsewhere including (but not limited to) work ethic, doing your job even if you don't like someone or the job itself, how to handle money, how to manage time, organizational skills, and balancing between wants and needs.
As a preschool teacher, nanny, and now a mother, I am often confused by the balance between too much responsibility and too little on our kids. Our teen pregnancy rate is higher than it was when I was a child. Our juvenile hall numbers are staggering. There are alot more kids walking around with attitudes towards their parents and any other authority figure. Don't get me wrong; there are alot of kids who are turning out great but there are alot who are also spinning out of control. While I believe in every parent's right to choose how to parent their children, I also think that there are alot of parents that raise their children feeling guilty and entitled. I watch and wonder what the difference is between one parent's job and another's.
The last thing is this world that I want is my kids living with me forever telling me what to cook them for breakfast and never reaching their full potential. The fact is that I want my children to be independent and thriving. I am often criticized for making the kids contribute to our household through age-appropriate chores because I should "let them be kids." The fact is that they are allowed abundant time to play and carry on, but they need to learn at a young age that responsibility is just part of life. Fifteen minutes of chores is not too much to ask them. I am criticized for asking the older ones to help the younger ones but I believe that service is something that SHOULD be taught. Helping someone out is not a bad thing. YES, my children are daily moving towards independence and I love that. They are moving towards understanding a work ethic and learning how to work as a team and I love that. We are starting to focus on being charitable and putting others' needs first and I love that. I am looking at the bigger picture and what these lessons will teach them down the road. I am looking at how I want them to turn out and what I want them to remember from their childhood. There are going to be bumps in the road and mistakes but, by golly, I want them to learn to be healthy, respectful, productive members of society that know how to think for themselves and respect their bodies, souls, and minds.
I think if there were a few more people who though less of me-me-me, we might have a somewhat more productive world.