I haven't written in a long time. It hasn't been for lack of desire. It's more been about lack of things to say. I feel like I've been in a bit of a rut and maybe feeling sorry for myself a little too much. I have to admit that I've maybe even been a little bitter. It's not to say that it's without reason, for certain, nonetheless, I didn't want to extend my bad mood on to everybody else's good day.
My most recent revelations in life have basically been like that of a little kid trying to push their way through doors. The door can open a crack and they want to rush through. Inevitably, their fingers get pinched and they end up crying because they're hurt. This is kind of where I'm at. I have found myself trying to rush through the door that's only opened a little at this point and I keep getting my fingers pinched and crying in frustration.
Quite frankly, in general, I tend to cry out in frustration lately. I tell myself that it's not fair and that I don't understand it but the truth is that I don't have to understand these lessons for them to be good for me. Sometimes parents have to choose what's best for their kids whether their kids like it or not and that's where I'm at right now. It doesn't make it any easier...just more common, perhaps. Right now I'm doing my best to just keep floating along and letting God take care of things in my life because I have faith that there are better things coming and that blessings are about to take over my life.

One step forward, two steps back

My best friend is currently potty training her little one and I keep hearing her say, "It's like we take one step forward and two steps back." Frankly, that is how I've been feeling in my life recently and I have decided to liken my current progress in life to a toddler. Here is the basic premise (for your entertainment....LOL)....
(1) I am faced with an issue that presents a challenge and all of the sudden, I'm like a toddler facing a transition time. I'm not READY for a change yet. I'm doing just fine with whatever I'm doing. Why are you taking away my comfy, cozy activity and switching me to something new and scary. I panic first.
(2) I try to talk my way out of it. Just like a toddler asks for five more minutes, I'm struggling and asking for a little more time to enjoy my cozy space in the here and now. Why MUST it happen right now? Can't it wait another year or two? ;)
(3) I throw a fit. Yep, that's right. No matter how many times I face transitions, I still go through this step nearly every time. I drag my feet and go limp. I scream and cry and yell that I don't wanna go through this. I want to remain where I'm at. I want to skip the hard stuff. Logically I know the hard stuff makes you the person you are, but comfy cozy toddler Heather doesn't want that!
(4) I accept it indignantly and pout. Yep, again, I pout. I pout because I'm not getting my way and I swear I'll just go with the flow. I still make my attempts to get my "five more minutes" but they're less pronounced.
(5) I find that the change isn't nearly as scary as I thought. Yes, my super-organization and overly particular self always ends up finding that what I was so scared of isn't that bad at all...and maybe, just maybe, it's kind of fun and interesting. Who knew?
Yes, life is one step forward and two steps back. It's scary and exciting and throws me curve balls on a daily basis. Still, I press forward and say that I'm ready for whatever's next.....well at least until I actually have to deal with it.

The end of another summer.....

And so begins the end of another summer. It's devastating and wonderful at the same time. I have four little ones so excited about school that they can hardly stand to sit still. Alyssa, Anthony, and Daniel Andrew will be in fourth, second, and first grade respectively. Sydney is starting her first year of "school" by doing a preschool program.
It doesn't get much better than the excitement of preparing for the school year. At this age, the kids are still excited about new school supplies and new back packs. They're thrilled at the concept of getting back together with their friends and getting back into the swing of the school year. New school clothes are all the rage in my house right now and they have been hanging in their closets like little dangling carrots in front of a bunny's nose. The excitement builds on a daily basis.
I face the school year with mixed feelings. It is the first year that I will be able to accomplish more during the days and yet it is also the first year that they will all be involved in school activities. It's getting back to the hustle and bustle of schedules and running from this play to that. It's getting back to soccer practices and cheer practices and homework and projects...and, well, the list goes on and on.
With so many great vacations this summer, I am sad to see the summer go. We traveled to Georgia and spent time with friends and family there. We traveled to Illinois. We had family in town. We took trips to the zoo in two different cities, experienced a ton of time at the beach and the pool and have just had a really fun and pleasant summer...the best in a long time. I am thankful for every moment that I got to spend having a blast and making this summer fun and memorable for everyone.
On the other hand, there is something wonderful about the school year. There is something to be said for the crazy hubbub of rushing from place to place. There is something great about seeing the little projects that they've drawn or hearing the new songs they've learned. There is something wonderful about seeing them talk about their new friends or their activities with their teachers. There is something great about the independence that comes from them being on their own in their own little classes. There is something magical about the excitement building to a book character parade, a concert, or some other fun activity during the school year.
This whole experience is going to be a "wait and see" experience....I can't wait to see what the Lord brings into our lives this year!

Moving Forward...end of summer

As the school year creeps e'er closer, I find myself looking back on summer and a little sad that it is ending. Summer, like all good things, has to come to an end at some point and the most important thing is to have the memories to savor. Many summers (for our family) have had amazing memories right near our house but not much travel. This summer, however, was a summer of travel, outings, and so much fun that it was nearly unbearable!
I sort of got nostalgic thinking about the things and people in life that I missed. I'm about to celebrate my thirtieth birthday next month and there are so many things and people in my life that I wish were around. There were people that passed away. There were people that I just lost touch with. There were some that just resulted in ended friendships, etc. There were lost pets, lost items, and so on and so forth. It's not that I'm always sad thinking about all of these things, just wondering what might have been.
The good news is that God has a plan. It may not always be obvious right off the bat. Often times, for me, the next step is obvious but hard for me to make because I want to stay where I'm comfortable. God has a way of getting me out of my comfort zone as soon as I cozy in for a nice long rest. He has a way of changing my heart. For example, I wanted to break my addiction to pop (or for you Southerners, my addiction to Coke). I had tried to do it on my own for years and always ended up right back at square one. Finally I really prayed on it and the very next time I tasted a Pepsi, it tasted AWFUL to me. I didn't even want to drink it again. I still occasionally indulge in pop but I can do with or without it.
God has a way of changing my heart with people too. If there is a person in my life that God does not want there anymore, He has a way of making me look at them differently. He has a way of changing my heart over places so I don't want to be there anymore or visit a particular establishment. He has a way of weighing things on my heart to allow me to move forward into the next step of my life, the next phase of His plan.
Not always are His clues so subtle. There are times that God just has to kick me in the butt and tell me that enough is enough. Sometimes He really has to make me uncomfortable to make me change a particular part of my life. The point is, though, that God always finds a way to make things work the way that His plan indicates.
So as I look back on my summer and I'm sad about the details of its passing, I am thankful for the fond memories that I now hold in my heart and for the amazing blessings that God has given me. I look forward to the next step in God's plan.

Jealousy, deserving things, and others

Recently, I have been observing people's behavior more and more. I have watched some of my friends go through really difficult situations and others achieve such amazing blessing that it seems almost overwhelming. I have gone through things myself and watched how people tried to help me or handle things. Sadly, I have found a few things that I'd like to vent about...things that aggravate me because of the level of disrespect that they seem to show.
(1) Jealousy: Jealousy seems to be the blame of a number of situations. It seems to be the word that most people use as any excuse for why people act like jerks to each other. An example was a situation I had several months ago with some women that repeatedly referred to me as "preppy cheer mom" because I smiled alot. Though I found it to be funny, it was also agitating that someone would take time out of their day to say something catty to me because I smiled. I was told that the women were "jealous" because of the remarks that they said (more than just the one.) What I believe to be true is that they were not jealous at all. Jealousy indicates resentment because of another's success, rivalry, or advantages. If I were a Swedish supermodel, maybe that would be the case, but I don't believe that they were jealous. I think that this particular case (and many more) have more to do with insecurity than jealousy. I think that some people have a tendency to just spout off ugliness to bring people down so they can feel better about themselves and that it has more to do with their insecurity than actual jealousy.
(2) Deserving what you get: I have a really difficult time with this particular statement, even having a hard time saying it. Perhaps it's the level of empathy that God put in my heart but watching someone lose everything that they have or have their marriage fall apart (or anything else) isn't any easier to watch because they brought on their issues themselves. Yes, I do believe that you reap what you sow..call it karma or Godsmack or whatever. Yes, I do believe that your choices determine your outcome most of the time. With that said, no one really deserves to suffer. We are all equal in God's eyes no matter what sins you've committed. Period. Compassion in one of the greatest gifts that God gave us and saying that someone "deserves what they get" quite often takes that gift away.
(3) Apologies and lack thereof: I honestly believe that apologies are one of the building blocks of any good relationship (friendship, family, love, etc). People are going to let you down and they're going to make mistakes. The biggest difference in my relationships in life was the ability of people to admit when they were wrong and apologize for it. Conversely, it is also important how someone reacts to you when you apologize. If you apologize to someone and they react with a guilt trip, it's often times not as appealing to be around them as someone who accepts your apology and moves on. Apologies don't indicate that you are expecting someone to forget your mistake...just to forgive it. Apologies, like pictures, are worth a thousand words.
(4) Different vs wrong: Just because someone's outlook on life, discipline, etc is different than yours doesn't make it wrong. I see this reflected in parenting all too often. (i.e. "My child will NEVER throw a tantrum like that") The fact is that God created us differently so that we would react to things differently. Variety is the spice of life and people handle things differently, especially when it comes to parenting. Different kids need different disciplinary tactics sometimes...some throw more tantrums, some are more weepy, and some are more smart mouth. There are tactics to deal with them (and other people). Just because your treatment might be different doesn't make THEIRS wrong.
(5) I-Know-What's-Best Syndrome: I have found that many people are infected with I-Know-What's-Best Syndrome. They ALWAYS think that they know the solution to any problem. They ALWAYS think that they can fix their friends, family, etc. No one knows what's best all the time. Period.
(6) Reaction vs Reflection: I constantly say to my kids that they don't have to react to what their siblings do. They are frequently told to "ignore it." Sometimes, as an adult, it's difficult not to react when someone calls you a bad name, criticizes you, or just acts ugly toward you. I am just as guilty as the next person of sounding off. However, it is more productive to reflect on their behavior and why they might be doing it than to react to it. In the moment, reacting feels good sometimes but later, it often results in regret. (At least on my part).
(7)Life's About Choices: This is the last point, but certainly not the least. Life's about choices and, while people are always saying this, often times others are going to be judgmental about yours. You can't make everyone happy and it would exhaust you to try. Do what's right for you and your kids and just accept that people will sound off and it doesn't really matter.

A series of uncontrollable events.....

Sometimes chaos just rules. There are a million ways to phrase it: trials, troubles, drama...the list goes on and on. There are going to be times in life when you just have to wait for a difficult storm to pass. Perhaps it's a death in the family, an illness, troubles with your kids, loss of a job, or a separation/divorce. It doesn't really matter what or how big the problem seems to anyone else, it is a difficult season for you and moving forward seems like it's not even possible.
There are a number of ways that you can handle a situation like this and I would be lying if I said that I'd figured it all out. I don't know if I could figure everything about things like this out if I lived to be 100. Here is what I have learned though.....
*The chaos is going to happen. There is no one that gets to avoid it. There is no amount of luck or blessing that will make anyone avoid it. There are going to be trials and they're going to be hard...no matter what your reaction.
*No one else will be able to identify with your feelings completely. Even if the problem is similar (i.e. loss of a parent, etc), no one's situation will be exactly the same and, more than that, everyone is different emotionally. So even if that friend has lost a parent too, it doesn't mean that they will be able to identify fully. It doesn't make their efforts to help any less wonderful or heartfelt.
*It's going to hurt. Any trials in your life are going to hurt on some level or another. A loss is a loss whether it's losing a thing, a person, or anything else. It's okay to feel those feelings and allow yourself to grieve.
*Everyone grieves differently. This is probably one of the most important things that I've learned. I have noticed that people seem to have this idea, based on their own feelings, of how someone grieves a loss and if the person grieves differently, they are judged for that. Some people grieve openly and weep in the presence of anyone around. Some people grieve behind closed doors. Some people get angry and some shut down. Some sleep and some keep themselves busy. More than that, everyone's grieving timing is different. For some, it takes months and months (and sometimes longer) and for others, it seems to happen overnight. God created us differently and we grieve differently.
*Denial helps nothing at all. The more you deny, the more it will hurt in the end.
*There will always be SOMEONE who thinks that they know how to "fix you." They are just trying to help and, unless they get overwhelming, they are usually best taken with a grain of salt. When you're not in the midst of the drama, you WILL be able to see where they're coming from.
*There is nothing wrong with just allowing yourself to take cover in the face of the storm but it won't make it pass any more quickly. Often times the best solution is to put on your rain gear and just go do what you have to do.
*Prayer is the only thing that can get you through ANYTHING. Even if the answer to your prayer is "wait", there is a level of confidence that comes in knowing that God has control over your situation.

Mornings...and other stuff

For years and years, I was a morning person. I loved getting up in the mornings and woke up in an outstanding mood almost every day just as a part of who I was. Even in my teenage years, I would prefer to wake up early than to sleep in until noon. It was a beautiful thing. After having children, and as I age, I have drifted from liking to get up early and I can't function without being cranky in the morning unless I've had some coffee. My life has evolved and my habits have changed.
Now I am a firm believer in the fact that people, at their essential core, do not change. They are who they are and when they try to fight it, disaster usually follows. Some people are just born grouchy and critical. They can learn to hold their tongues but if they try to change who are by forcing themselves to be happy all the time, it ends up catching up with them. Some people are born bubbly and hyper. They can learn to calm down but essentially forcing themselves to be mellow when they're not ends up catching up with them. People can change their habits but they cannot change who they are at their essential core.
Unfortunately, the general public's obsession with celebrities has everyone trying to fit into the same mold. Everyone wants to wear what they wear, eat what they eat, and even have the same baby items when they have kids. I know women that will throw out half of their wardrobe on an annual basis because they want to be "in style." They spend a fortune buying the clothes that the celebrities wear or the clothes that are in magazines because they want to blend in. People cut their hair like celebrities, wear the same beauty products, and shape their opinions based on what celebrities say. And this works for some people.....
Over the years, I have tried a little of this and a little of that to find out who I am. I have delved deeply into books, especially self-help which is my unfortunate obsession. I have spent time learning who I am and really making decisions on what I like free of what someone else likes, what a celebrity does, or what is "expected of me." It's a constant process, as it should be for everyone, but it is only after I discovered the core essentials of who I am that I really truly became comfortable and happy with myself. That's not to say that I don't have things that I dislike, physical or otherwise, about myself. What I am saying is that there are far too many people walking around in this life unhappy with who they are because they haven't really decided who they are or what they want.
The brutal truth of the matter is this: people are who they are. Everyone was created completely unique. There are women that are strong and independent that have been labeled "bitches" and they're happy with that...it works for them. That's awesome. There are women that are more comfortable being meek and mild and they're happy with that....it works for them. That's awesome. There are are those that are funny by their very nature, those that are extraordinarily intelligent, and some (God love them) that are clueless. The same could be said for men, though the terminology may be a bit different. When people are true to who they really are, they find true happiness in all that is around them. They learn not to rely on the opinions of others to make themselves feel worthwhile. They understand that other people's criticism isn't always about jealousy and it shouldn't shape who they are.
I think that a number of things affect who we are..... when we were born (Zodiac...and no I don't live my life by my horoscope though I think they're fun to read), birth order, environmental factors (family, etc), life experiences, and so on and so forth. I think that, essentially, people are born a certain way and it is their responsibility to discover who they are and what they like on their own instead of relying on other people for it. So here is essentially who I am......
I am generally a happy person, I just am. It's irritating to some people and endearing to others but I am generally happy.
I get angry, vent and then I'm done. In general (though there have been exceptions), I get upset, say what's on my mind, and then I'm over it. It doesn't mean I've forgotten what's happened OR that I don't care about things. I just don't see any reason to hold on to the anger.
I am uber-organized. I like things in their place and clutter makes me feel chaotic. If I had my way, my entire house would probably be labeled and in bins.
I am a list-maker. This is sort of an extension of being organized. I have lists to keep track of my lists. I never pack for a vacation unless I've made a list first.
I am thrifty...or cheap if that's what you want to call it. I have to REALLY want something badly to buy it on the spot full price. I much prefer sale (or better yet CLEARANCE) and using coupons or reward points to purchase things.
I love to shop for other people. I am especially a sucker for my nieces and nephews. I would much rather buy a cute new dress for my niece than a new shirt for myself.
I speak my mind. I have a general policy that you can say anything to me if you say it with love, nicely. If there is underlying criticism, I usually see it on the spot and I might even call you on it but I believe that there is a nice, tactful way to say most anything.
I have an opinion and it's usually well-researched. If I've learned anything over the years, it's not to take someone else's word on things. If I want to know about something, I read about it from all different viewpoints and make my decision on whatever it is. If I can't read about it, I try to talk to people and find out their viewpoints.
I am critical...and by this, I don't mean that I am looking for a way to pick at you. I mean that I am constantly on a fact-finding mission. I am fascinated by psychology and why people think/do the things that they do.
I am a giant geek at heart. I love to learn and expand my knowledge base. I would sooner read non-fiction most any day (witha few exceptions) than anything else. I get excited about learning.
I am a HUGE Twilight series fans....more so of the books than the movies. Enough said.
Although I have a few set people that I admire whose opinions I take seriously, I generally take people's criticism with a grain of salt. I don't believe that it's about jealousy because there's nothing to be jealous of. I believe that it is their opinion and they are entitled to it.
I am usually looking at the bigger picture and analyzing every angle in nearly all things. I want to plan things out as best as possible to achieve the best possible goal.
I am a planner. I plan everything and it makes me nervous when people fly by the seat of their pants.
Though I adore the close friends that I have, I don't feel like I need to have a billion friends to make myself happy. My friends are like family to me and I am fiercely protective of their well-being.
I am TERRIFIED of needles. I donated blood, thinking that it would help me overcome the fear but no such luck. I get light-headed at the mere mention of a needle and I can't watch them penetrate people's skin without feeling nauseous.
I am a firm believer that prevention is better (and easier) than treating a problem. I am very conscious of my weight and bmi because of this. I want to prevent getting overweight instead of having to treat it later. I'm not obsessive and I'll eat a greasy slice of pizza without a second though....but I'm conscious of it.
I talk a good portion of my waking hours. I talk on the phone when necessary but I much prefer to email/message/text it or to say it in person.
I make an effort to accept people where they're at even if I don't agree with their decisions. There are some people in life who constantly make dumb decisions but that doesn't mean that they're dumb. I don't have to agree with someone's lifestyle in order to be happy that THEY'RE happy.
I love babies but with my kids aged 4 and above now, I don't want any more babies. I am perfectly happy to change a diaper, babysit, rock someone else's crying baby, or even help a friend through a sleepless night with a new baby BUT I'm always glad to send them back home.
I love the arts....dance, music, and art itself. I am a giant sucker for any movie based on dance or going to see recitals, musicals, or anything like it. I love nearly all types of music and I believe that there is a type of music for any mood...and exercise that idea daily by choosing the music Iisten to based on my mood.
I love nearly all things Disney. I love Disney movies and some of my best memories growing up were spent at Disney World. I don't mind the crowds and chaos of the parks because I honestly believe there's something magical about being there.
I wear a ponytail nearly all the time....out of comfort and hate for hair hanging in my eyes.
I hardly ever make it in and out of any major store without browsing through sections where I don't actually need anything. I love to window shop...period.
I have a great passion for photography and at any given moment, I usually have a camera available to capture memories....I also scrapbook for that reason.
I could go on and on.....these are just general facts but it's a stepping off point to explore who I am on a daily basis and learn more about who I am and who I want to be.