Life Lessons

I have to say that I'm not all that excited about some of the lessons I've had to learn lately. They have been the not-so-fun but extremely life-altering lessons that bring you to your knees. I thought I'd share, nonetheless, since writing it out sort of serves as a therapeutic outpouring and maybe, just maybe, I can save someone else some heartache, affirm some life choice they're needing to make, or just provide some insight to something going on in their life.

1. People break promises. No matter how much you trust someone or how great you think they are, they ARE going to fail you. It doesn't make them a bad person; it makes them human. It doesn't mean that they don't love you. The only person (and I use that term loosely of course) that doesn't break promises is God.

2. God sometimes asks you to do something just to see if you'll comply. God's honest truth is that sometimes God asks you to do some big life-altering change in your life just to see if you'll actually do it. He's not necessarily testing you so much as building your faith. He may ask you to move a thousand miles away or to take a job that would have you leave a job that you've had forever. He wants to see if you'll step out. The great news is that a show of faith in these situations is usually rewarded. The bad news is that you have to prepare yourself for the fall when you realize what you've been working for isn't going to happen and wait for what God has next.

3. People don't change. This is something that has been an ongoing lesson for me. People don't change who they are. They don't magically just change their ways. Even when God changes their hearts, He changes their actions more than anything. He created them uniquely the way that they are and has good intentions for each and every gift they have. It is their choice to use their gifts in a poor way and they do. Most of the time, people resort back to what is easiest for them, and that's generally not beneficial to others.

4. Nobody is going to like you if you can't like yourself first There are so many self-conscious people walking around, feeling like the world is going to end if they don't have friends around. The truth is that learning to love yourself is a process but learning to like yourself is even harder. Love is unconditional and you can convince yourself that you are worthy of love but actually liking who you are and seeing the positive in your qualities is an entirely different story. However, there are very few people in this world who are actually LOOKING for someone with low self-esteem to buddy up with and the people that ARE looking for that are generally trouble.

5. People come and go This one is an especially difficult lesson for me because I am so fiercely loyal to my friends. My friends are like family to me and I protect them like a lioness. There are some people that I have recently had to let go of and it's been one of the hardest experiences in my life. This has been an ongoing process but there have definitely been times when I've doubted the whole "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" theory. Some relationships were gone for awhile and have sloooooooooowly started rebuilding and others are, I think, gone for good (though I guess you never really know.)

6. Sometimes God brings people back into your life for a reason With the invention of social networking, people are coming back into my life like crazy. Some of them are just old friends. These are the people that I enjoy seeing how they're doing but I'm not necessarily going to go drink coffee with them. Some of them are really good friends from the past that I just lost touch with. These people I am SO thankful for and I guess I never realize how much I missed them. Quite honestly, some of them are family that I just never made the time to get to know and now I'm getting that chance.

7. No one else has the right to make choices in your life but you If you give away your power to make choices by assuming that someone else knows what's right for you, you're giving away your power to live freely. You're actually voluntarily enslaving yourself to someone.

8. Moving on isn't giving up, and it isn't showing a lack of faith Moving forward through the big obstacles in your life isn't giving up on them. If your marriage failed or an adoption fell through or you lost your house and moved back in with your folks, it doesn't mean that YOU failed. Regardless of what some people will say, I honestly feel like Tyler Perry nailed it in "Diary of a Mad Black Woman." In the film, Brian says, "Sometimes we hold onto things that God Himself is trying to tear apart." In the world we live in, there is so much craziness that we sometimes forget that God is in control. He doesn't change the rules on us but we aren't living in the time of Moses either....things change and God allows life changes to happen, sometimes for a reason.

9. Change hurts like hell That's just as simple as it sounds. It hurts like hell to go through change. I honestly think it's because you lose a piece of yourself when you change (don't get me wrong, change is good...it just hurts). The good news is that you gain a piece that replaces that.

10. Even when YOU lose focus on your path, God doesn't I seem to get distracted rather often on what I'm supposed to be doing. Most of the time, it's just an optimistic focus on the people around me that bites me in the butt. The truth is that sometimes the enemy throws distractions this way and sometimes it's just you distracting yourself. Sometimes it's unintentional but sometimes it's completely intentional to avoid having to make a hard choice. God won't steer you off your path. (which is not to say that you can't get off course YOURSELF). He just waits patiently while you sit down and refuse to move any further. Eventually you get up, dust yourself off and say, "Okay I'm ready now..." God doesn't lose that path.

So that's what God's been working on with me. It's not pretty but it's honest. It's as candid as it gets and, yes, it's not all that much fun but I believe that the rewards will be bountiful for the faith He's giving me right now.

Opinions are like....

I've heard the expression thousands of times that opinions are like a**holes because everyone's got one. The truth is that everyone has dozens and dozens of opinions about everything. Even "better" is that everyone loves to share their opinions and then expect you to have the same opinion. That is where my issue lies.
Quite honestly, I am thankful for other people's opinions for a number of reasons. First off, I love peeking into the psychology of how people's minds work. Secondly, I love hearing different people's points of view so that I can form my own opinion based on alot of evidence. Finally, I value the opinions of those I love.
The truth is that you can choose who to listen to and who not to listen to. There is a polite way to listen and then just do what your heart tells you to do. There is a polite way to thank someone for their advice and then choose your own path instead. Frankly you CAN choose to just tell the person giving advice to pack sand but they mostly are just trying to help you not have to deal with the issues they've dealt with in the past.
Another important aspect of this to keep in mind is giving YOUR opinion to others. Most of the time, opinions are given because you don't want someone to hurt or deal with the same things you did. Often, though, people get upset when their loved ones don't take their advice. Somehow, they have come to believe that THEIR opinions are the end-all, be-all of good advice and that there is NO other way to handle things. Just as people all have unique aspects of who they are, everyone has a different way of coping and handling things. Advice IS wonderful but ultimately everyone has to find their own way.

I haven't written in a long time. It hasn't been for lack of desire. It's more been about lack of things to say. I feel like I've been in a bit of a rut and maybe feeling sorry for myself a little too much. I have to admit that I've maybe even been a little bitter. It's not to say that it's without reason, for certain, nonetheless, I didn't want to extend my bad mood on to everybody else's good day.
My most recent revelations in life have basically been like that of a little kid trying to push their way through doors. The door can open a crack and they want to rush through. Inevitably, their fingers get pinched and they end up crying because they're hurt. This is kind of where I'm at. I have found myself trying to rush through the door that's only opened a little at this point and I keep getting my fingers pinched and crying in frustration.
Quite frankly, in general, I tend to cry out in frustration lately. I tell myself that it's not fair and that I don't understand it but the truth is that I don't have to understand these lessons for them to be good for me. Sometimes parents have to choose what's best for their kids whether their kids like it or not and that's where I'm at right now. It doesn't make it any easier...just more common, perhaps. Right now I'm doing my best to just keep floating along and letting God take care of things in my life because I have faith that there are better things coming and that blessings are about to take over my life.

One step forward, two steps back

My best friend is currently potty training her little one and I keep hearing her say, "It's like we take one step forward and two steps back." Frankly, that is how I've been feeling in my life recently and I have decided to liken my current progress in life to a toddler. Here is the basic premise (for your entertainment....LOL)....
(1) I am faced with an issue that presents a challenge and all of the sudden, I'm like a toddler facing a transition time. I'm not READY for a change yet. I'm doing just fine with whatever I'm doing. Why are you taking away my comfy, cozy activity and switching me to something new and scary. I panic first.
(2) I try to talk my way out of it. Just like a toddler asks for five more minutes, I'm struggling and asking for a little more time to enjoy my cozy space in the here and now. Why MUST it happen right now? Can't it wait another year or two? ;)
(3) I throw a fit. Yep, that's right. No matter how many times I face transitions, I still go through this step nearly every time. I drag my feet and go limp. I scream and cry and yell that I don't wanna go through this. I want to remain where I'm at. I want to skip the hard stuff. Logically I know the hard stuff makes you the person you are, but comfy cozy toddler Heather doesn't want that!
(4) I accept it indignantly and pout. Yep, again, I pout. I pout because I'm not getting my way and I swear I'll just go with the flow. I still make my attempts to get my "five more minutes" but they're less pronounced.
(5) I find that the change isn't nearly as scary as I thought. Yes, my super-organization and overly particular self always ends up finding that what I was so scared of isn't that bad at all...and maybe, just maybe, it's kind of fun and interesting. Who knew?
Yes, life is one step forward and two steps back. It's scary and exciting and throws me curve balls on a daily basis. Still, I press forward and say that I'm ready for whatever's next.....well at least until I actually have to deal with it.

The end of another summer.....

And so begins the end of another summer. It's devastating and wonderful at the same time. I have four little ones so excited about school that they can hardly stand to sit still. Alyssa, Anthony, and Daniel Andrew will be in fourth, second, and first grade respectively. Sydney is starting her first year of "school" by doing a preschool program.
It doesn't get much better than the excitement of preparing for the school year. At this age, the kids are still excited about new school supplies and new back packs. They're thrilled at the concept of getting back together with their friends and getting back into the swing of the school year. New school clothes are all the rage in my house right now and they have been hanging in their closets like little dangling carrots in front of a bunny's nose. The excitement builds on a daily basis.
I face the school year with mixed feelings. It is the first year that I will be able to accomplish more during the days and yet it is also the first year that they will all be involved in school activities. It's getting back to the hustle and bustle of schedules and running from this play to that. It's getting back to soccer practices and cheer practices and homework and projects...and, well, the list goes on and on.
With so many great vacations this summer, I am sad to see the summer go. We traveled to Georgia and spent time with friends and family there. We traveled to Illinois. We had family in town. We took trips to the zoo in two different cities, experienced a ton of time at the beach and the pool and have just had a really fun and pleasant summer...the best in a long time. I am thankful for every moment that I got to spend having a blast and making this summer fun and memorable for everyone.
On the other hand, there is something wonderful about the school year. There is something to be said for the crazy hubbub of rushing from place to place. There is something great about seeing the little projects that they've drawn or hearing the new songs they've learned. There is something wonderful about seeing them talk about their new friends or their activities with their teachers. There is something great about the independence that comes from them being on their own in their own little classes. There is something magical about the excitement building to a book character parade, a concert, or some other fun activity during the school year.
This whole experience is going to be a "wait and see" experience....I can't wait to see what the Lord brings into our lives this year!

Moving Forward...end of summer

As the school year creeps e'er closer, I find myself looking back on summer and a little sad that it is ending. Summer, like all good things, has to come to an end at some point and the most important thing is to have the memories to savor. Many summers (for our family) have had amazing memories right near our house but not much travel. This summer, however, was a summer of travel, outings, and so much fun that it was nearly unbearable!
I sort of got nostalgic thinking about the things and people in life that I missed. I'm about to celebrate my thirtieth birthday next month and there are so many things and people in my life that I wish were around. There were people that passed away. There were people that I just lost touch with. There were some that just resulted in ended friendships, etc. There were lost pets, lost items, and so on and so forth. It's not that I'm always sad thinking about all of these things, just wondering what might have been.
The good news is that God has a plan. It may not always be obvious right off the bat. Often times, for me, the next step is obvious but hard for me to make because I want to stay where I'm comfortable. God has a way of getting me out of my comfort zone as soon as I cozy in for a nice long rest. He has a way of changing my heart. For example, I wanted to break my addiction to pop (or for you Southerners, my addiction to Coke). I had tried to do it on my own for years and always ended up right back at square one. Finally I really prayed on it and the very next time I tasted a Pepsi, it tasted AWFUL to me. I didn't even want to drink it again. I still occasionally indulge in pop but I can do with or without it.
God has a way of changing my heart with people too. If there is a person in my life that God does not want there anymore, He has a way of making me look at them differently. He has a way of changing my heart over places so I don't want to be there anymore or visit a particular establishment. He has a way of weighing things on my heart to allow me to move forward into the next step of my life, the next phase of His plan.
Not always are His clues so subtle. There are times that God just has to kick me in the butt and tell me that enough is enough. Sometimes He really has to make me uncomfortable to make me change a particular part of my life. The point is, though, that God always finds a way to make things work the way that His plan indicates.
So as I look back on my summer and I'm sad about the details of its passing, I am thankful for the fond memories that I now hold in my heart and for the amazing blessings that God has given me. I look forward to the next step in God's plan.

Jealousy, deserving things, and others

Recently, I have been observing people's behavior more and more. I have watched some of my friends go through really difficult situations and others achieve such amazing blessing that it seems almost overwhelming. I have gone through things myself and watched how people tried to help me or handle things. Sadly, I have found a few things that I'd like to vent about...things that aggravate me because of the level of disrespect that they seem to show.
(1) Jealousy: Jealousy seems to be the blame of a number of situations. It seems to be the word that most people use as any excuse for why people act like jerks to each other. An example was a situation I had several months ago with some women that repeatedly referred to me as "preppy cheer mom" because I smiled alot. Though I found it to be funny, it was also agitating that someone would take time out of their day to say something catty to me because I smiled. I was told that the women were "jealous" because of the remarks that they said (more than just the one.) What I believe to be true is that they were not jealous at all. Jealousy indicates resentment because of another's success, rivalry, or advantages. If I were a Swedish supermodel, maybe that would be the case, but I don't believe that they were jealous. I think that this particular case (and many more) have more to do with insecurity than jealousy. I think that some people have a tendency to just spout off ugliness to bring people down so they can feel better about themselves and that it has more to do with their insecurity than actual jealousy.
(2) Deserving what you get: I have a really difficult time with this particular statement, even having a hard time saying it. Perhaps it's the level of empathy that God put in my heart but watching someone lose everything that they have or have their marriage fall apart (or anything else) isn't any easier to watch because they brought on their issues themselves. Yes, I do believe that you reap what you sow..call it karma or Godsmack or whatever. Yes, I do believe that your choices determine your outcome most of the time. With that said, no one really deserves to suffer. We are all equal in God's eyes no matter what sins you've committed. Period. Compassion in one of the greatest gifts that God gave us and saying that someone "deserves what they get" quite often takes that gift away.
(3) Apologies and lack thereof: I honestly believe that apologies are one of the building blocks of any good relationship (friendship, family, love, etc). People are going to let you down and they're going to make mistakes. The biggest difference in my relationships in life was the ability of people to admit when they were wrong and apologize for it. Conversely, it is also important how someone reacts to you when you apologize. If you apologize to someone and they react with a guilt trip, it's often times not as appealing to be around them as someone who accepts your apology and moves on. Apologies don't indicate that you are expecting someone to forget your mistake...just to forgive it. Apologies, like pictures, are worth a thousand words.
(4) Different vs wrong: Just because someone's outlook on life, discipline, etc is different than yours doesn't make it wrong. I see this reflected in parenting all too often. (i.e. "My child will NEVER throw a tantrum like that") The fact is that God created us differently so that we would react to things differently. Variety is the spice of life and people handle things differently, especially when it comes to parenting. Different kids need different disciplinary tactics sometimes...some throw more tantrums, some are more weepy, and some are more smart mouth. There are tactics to deal with them (and other people). Just because your treatment might be different doesn't make THEIRS wrong.
(5) I-Know-What's-Best Syndrome: I have found that many people are infected with I-Know-What's-Best Syndrome. They ALWAYS think that they know the solution to any problem. They ALWAYS think that they can fix their friends, family, etc. No one knows what's best all the time. Period.
(6) Reaction vs Reflection: I constantly say to my kids that they don't have to react to what their siblings do. They are frequently told to "ignore it." Sometimes, as an adult, it's difficult not to react when someone calls you a bad name, criticizes you, or just acts ugly toward you. I am just as guilty as the next person of sounding off. However, it is more productive to reflect on their behavior and why they might be doing it than to react to it. In the moment, reacting feels good sometimes but later, it often results in regret. (At least on my part).
(7)Life's About Choices: This is the last point, but certainly not the least. Life's about choices and, while people are always saying this, often times others are going to be judgmental about yours. You can't make everyone happy and it would exhaust you to try. Do what's right for you and your kids and just accept that people will sound off and it doesn't really matter.